Advent Children: The Abridged Series!
by Haruko Kurimasu
Summary: Like the Youtube abridged series of Yu-Gi-Oh!, Naruto and Yu-Yu Hakusho, let me present to you in story format, the UNtrue events of Advent Children, the CGI featuring all your favorite Limit Breaks!
1. Prologue: A Date With Reno

Basically, this fanfic is a parody of Advent Children, the awesome CGI movie created by Square Enix. This tells the UNtrue events that captivated the film, and stars the Final Fantasy VII cast.

**PROLOGUE- A DATE WITH RENO.**

_To those who acquired Knights of the Round,_

_And wanted to see High-Res Cloud,_

_This Parody is for you._

"Huff huff huff!"

"Hurry up, I wanna see the sunset!" Nanaki shouted to his two cubs.

"But Dad, it's noon!" cried the one on his left, aptly named Ross.

"I'll make you do squats if you complain!" Nanki growled, and Ross became silent. The other cub, named Greg, snickered. The threesome then came up to those large, jagged cliffs, and Nanaki, being the proud showoff that he is, jumped unrealistically ten feet onto a jut sticking out of the cliff, and jumped another twenty feet to the next one. Surprisingly, his kids could do the same technique, even though they haven't been around as long as this fiercesome Poke-, I mean, lion-tiger guy. Just as they have reached the top, white seagulls flew over the cliff, and passed over the overgrown ruins of Midgar. Nanaki waited impaitently for Greg and Ross to catch up, then roared pwnsomely at the ruins.

"Ha ha, take that, HOJO!"

"Dad..."

Nanaki shook his head. "Oh, right. Kids, that's enough training for today. You wanna play soccer with Hojo's skull?"

"Yeah!"

"Whoopee!"

Nanaki grinned. "Alright then! Last one to the Science Department is a Mako addict!"

**#**

498 years earlier...

Somewhere near the Northern Crater, the Turk Reno flew skillfully with his Shin-Ra helicopter.

"Come on, Elena! If you don't find these aerial skills to be sweet-"

"Reno, for the last time, NO!" Elena shouted into her headset, somewhere down in the Crater. "I'm not going out with you! You're too immature!"

Reno sniffed. "That's just cruel, yo! At least I'm your age! Unless you got a thing for Rude or someth-"

"Reno, the chopper!"

Reno sighed. "I'm on it, yo." he said unenthustastically. He steered the helicopter into the Northern Crater's peak, where it very, very foggy. "Are you sure, Elena? You know, it could be a nice, romantic evening. With just you, me, a box of wine in a suite up at the Villa."

"Ooooh!" giggled Elena. "Now, when you put it that way- HUIH?! WHO THE HECK ARE THOSE GUYS?!"

Reno, not obviously sensing the danger, continued, "So, is that a yes?"

Tseng suddenly cut in. "Reno, you moron! Get the chopper out of here!"

Reno snorted. "Umm, excuse me Tseng, but me and Elena were making plans-"

"GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF THERE, RENO!" Elena shouted, just before gunshots were heard.

Reno sighed. " Fine, whatever! Hey, did I just hear gunshots?"

"YES!" screamed both Tseng and Elena, just before their radios cut out. The Shin-Ra chopper flew out of the Crater, and abandoning the two Turks in the process. Because of this, they were never seen in the movie again, except for two brief scenes.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 1: Pranking Tifa

Sorry for the wait! Now, for a nice, long chapter for ya'll!

**CHAPTER 1- PRANKING TIFA**

_The Lifestream,_ narrated Marlene. _That's what we call those green threads of radiation that circles our Planet, giving our world abused and non-renewable resources. The Shin-Ra Electric Power Company used these resources as an energy source. Because of this, everyone used it, since there was nothing else, and Shin-Ra became wealthy, power-hungry tycoons, who took over the world. Alot people didn't like this, and tried to poorly stop them. Like my dad, who's shouts symbols sometimes. Oh well._

_To stop these types of people, Shin-Ra built up an army called SOLDIER, who were warriors pumped with radioactive steroids, also known as mako. And Jenova cells. Jenova was an alien who crash landed on Gaia a long, long time ago. Or something like that._

_There was also this one SOLDIER, named Sephiroth, the greatest SOLDIER of all time. He even made Chuck Norris cry. Or Chuck Norris made HIM cry. I can't remember. Cloud was drunk when he told me that part. Then, he started to cry, mumbling something about Zack. --u_

_Then, when Sephiroth found that he was only made of polygons and fanfiction, he began to hate Shin-Ra. And Square Enix. And dancing shoes. And Chuck Norris. Soon, he began to hate EVERYTHING._

_There were alot of battles. A lot of Phoenix Downs used. But then, even when Aerith died, not even Mega Phoenix Downs and GameShark codes could revive her._

_"Cloud is emo." It's been two years since we learned that phrase._

**#**

-Seventh Heaven, Edge.-

Denzel placed a hand on his forehead. "Is my bruise gone?" he weakly asked Marlene. The little girls shook her head.

"No, it hasn't. And it's called Geostigma, you idiot!"

"Sheesh, for a six-year-old, you sure are harsh."

"I watches late night _Bleach_, Denzel."

"Oh, right."

Marlene looked around, possibly hoping for a crowbar or baseball bat to use to clock Denzel with. Sadly, there was nothing of the sort. Tifa had a bonfire last week using up all of the remaining 2x4's.

RING! RING! RING!

Downstairs, in the bar area of Seventh Heaven, Tifa scrubbed away angrily away while cleaning dusty glasses. "He's not HERE!" she muttered heatedly, her voice rising. A bunch of unspeakable phrases escaped the bar hostess's lips, which were luckily drowned out by the phone's constant ringing. If children heard that...shudder.

Finally, Tifa threw down several empty bottles to the floor, which smashed up and made tiny pieces. It was gonna be a pain to tidy up later.

Tifa stomped up the stairs to Cloud's room. Marlene grimaced when she picked up the phone.

"STRIFE'S EFFING DELIVERY SERVICE! You name it we deliv-"

"_Yeah, hello. I'm looking for an Ihava. Ihava Bigrack."_

Tifa frowned. "Ihava Bigrack?"

The voice on the other side muffled a giggle. "_Well?_"

"Err..." Tifa walked over to the door, and shouted downstairs. "Ihava Bigrack, are you down there? Sorry, I guess there isn't anyo-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Finally understanding the situation (--u), Tifa's face glowed red. "Oh, real mature! Is that you again, Reno?!"

"_Hee hee hee! Come on Rude, you gotta try this out! She falls for it every single_-"

CLICK! Tifa threw down the phone so hard, it went threw the floorboards, and ended up hitting Johnny in the bar, who came to visit. Kids, Johnny never made it.

"Grrr! If I ever find you Turks, I'm gonna give you a round-a-house kick that you'll never forget!" Tifa growled under her breath. Well then.

**#**

-Wastelands, outside of Midgar.-

A cool looking wolf stood on a large cliff, overlooking Midgar. It was sniffing an old sword, which had wear, tear, and rust. Cloud Strife, our hero (funny how he shows up ten minutes after the movie's started?) sat on a pwnsome motorcycle, named Fenrir, somewhere around the Wastelands. He was listening to his irksome voice mail, the new one coming from an irritated Tifa.

"_And you know what his joke was today?! It was Ihava Bigrack! Ha! Like that's even orogin-"_

CLICK.

"Hm." was all Cliud had to say. He then placed his goggles on his face, then suddenly recieved a spasm of pain from his cloaked arm. He decided to ignore it, then drove off towards Midgar.

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Angeal:** "You see that, Zack?"

**Zack:** "See wha- Hey! It's Cloud!"

**Angeal:** "Is that the grunt's name? No Zack, I mean the Buster Sword!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee. You always looked so manly with it, Zack."

**Zack:** "Really? Like a true hero?"

**Angeal:** "Ahem! Like I was saying! Zack, do you remember that time in Wutai?"

**Aerith (gets closer):** "Oooh! Tee hee hee, what happened, Zack?"

**Zack:** "Sheesh Aerith, you crazy fangirl!"

**Angeal:** "Zack, focus! Geez, no wonder you failed listening skills during SOLDIER!"

**Zack:** "What? Were you saying something, Angeal?"

**Angeal:** "(sigh) Zack, focus. Observe the Buster Sword, for Jenova's sake! It's got wear, tear and rust! And that makes it a REAL waste!"

**Zack:** "So?"

**Angeal: **"So?! The point is that I took really good care of that sword! My parents had to pay a lot of money to have that made! It presents the Hewley family's honor!"

**Gillian (passing by):** "Oh, suck it up, Angeal!"

**Angeal:** "Mom?! Anyway Zack, after I died, you took really good care of it. then, you just had to give it to that grunt there!"

**Zack:** "You mean Cloud?"

**Angeal:** "For the love of cactaurs Zack! Do you have the attention span of a chocobo?"

**Zack: **"I thought I had the attention span of a puppy. As stated in-game."

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee."

**Angeal:** "(sigh) I can see why you two are so compatible... Anyway, Zack, just focus on the criteria here! This is a crisis! The Buster Sword has wear, tear and rust!"

**Zack:** "Dude, you just said that."

**Angeal:** "Then just hear me out! It's because of that blonde dunce driving away down there! Let's see, he cries for about two hours, then _drags_ it all the way to Midgar, uses it as a combat tool, then sticks it in the ground as a burial marker!"

**Zack:** "Aww, Cloud, I'm your number one fan!"

**Aerith:** "Yay! Cloud loves Zack!"

**Zack & Angeal:** "...Fangirl."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 2: Let's Argue With Rufus!

**CHAPTER 2- LET'S ARGUE WITH RUFUS!**

-The Wastelands, Outside of Midgar-

Three new villains (throwaways, really), drove up on the cliff, where the Buster Sword was propped up on.

"Stupid hunk of metal!" muttered Kadaj, kicking it out of the ground. "It's blocking my view! Ah, there we go!"

On Kadaj's left was crybaby Loz. On his right, the woman (-) Yazoo.

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Angeal:** "THOSE LITTLE PUNKS! HOW DARE THEY KICK MY SWORD DOWN! AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!"

**Zack:** "Angeal, let it go. You're dead."

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee."

-The Wastelands, Outside of Midgar-

Loz swallowed a bite of his hamburger. "Hey, did you guys hear something?"

Kadaj rolled his eyes. "Besides your blubbering, no."

"Don't cry Loz." murmured Yazoo, taking a sip of his milkshake. All three of Sephiroth's spawn, being hungry and bored, decided to go down to McIfrits' for lunch. And here they were, munching on their meals like a couple of teenager villains, waiting for 'Big Brother' Cloud to show up.

Loz had finished his meal, and tried to snag a couple of Kadaj's fries. Kadaj smacked his hand away.

"No, you moron! I need my strength!"

"For what?" Yazoo asked. "When Big Brother comes, you'll probably make us go after him."

"Darn straight I am!" chuckled Kadaj. He crumpled up his meal's bag, and tossed it onto the ground. He lifted his head, a slightly surprised look on his face.

"My emo senses are tingling," he announced. Kadaj smirked. "Here he comes!"

Down below, Cloud, our hero, drove through the dry, unforgiving wastelands. Kadaj backed up on his own motorcycle, and bumped it against the back of Loz's. Loz went speeding down the cliff, screaming, "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

Yazoo rolled his eyes, and followed suit. Except that Kadaj didn't have to give him a 'nudge'.

Meanwhile, Cloud was minding his own business, by acting emo and regretting to have ever existed. Just then, two strange woman (LOL) came onto either side of him, and began to attack. Those dog monsters began to attack too. Cloud opened up the sides of his Fenrir, where pwnsome swords were stored inside. He grabbed the biggest one, since bigger is better. He swung his sword, and this being one of the coolest fights early on in the movie, spun two hundred seventy degrees on his bike. Yazoo began shooting at him with his Velvet Nightmare gun, and Loz tried to hit Cloud with his taser thingie, also called Velvet Nightmare.

"You suck, emo!" Loz shouted. "Where's Mother?!"

"You're blonde, yet you're Asian," Yazoo mocked. "You know, blondes suck at being heros!"

"Emo!"

"Blonde!"

"Emo!"

"Blonde!"

_Okay, what's up with these crazy woman?!_ Cloud wondered. _Are they fangirls, or what?!_ Then, he thought, _Oh SNAP! They're those fangirls trying to pair me up with Scarlet! NO!_

While pondering these inpulsive thoughts, Yazoo flipped his bike in front of Cloud's, and whilst jumping over him, shot him in the face!

_No! My good pair of sunglasses!_ Cloud shouted in his head. _Now Jessie will never like me!_

Meanwhile, on top of the cliff (where the Buster Sword lay in shame), Kadaj was on the phone.

"Hello? Is this MsIfrit's?" he asked. "Yeah, I'd like to order three of the Wednesday Villain Meals. I get a discount because- oh, is that you, Turk? You work at McIfrit's now? Ha, it suits you! Hey, you don't need to shout. Okay, just let me talk to the President..."

The monsters began their jump, and surrounded Cloud. They were about to have emo meat for dinner, when they disappeared into the air. Cloud looked around, and his eyes met another person whom he thought was a woman, and that was Kadaj. Kadaj stuck his tongue out at him, then drove off. Yazoo and Loz did the same.

_Okay, WTF? _Cloud thought.

**#**

-Somewhere Near Healin Lodge-

"_Yo, what's up foo?! This is Barret!_" shouted Cloud's voice mail. "_Me and the team just found oil! w00t! Yeah, so I'll bring the kids some souvoneirs from the trip, aight?! Marlene still watches Bleach, right?! Well, I doubt you'd know, you blonde emo! Ha ha! See yas later! I pity you, Spikey!_"

"_Cloud, this is me, Tifa, again. Reno phoned again! Now his joke was, Amanda Punchankick! Like that's original! Oh yeah, he's says he's got work for you or something. Cloud, why aren't you ever home? Was it something I said? You know Jessie's dead, right? See ya._"

Cloud rolled his eyes. _Why does everyone think I'm in love with dead people?_

Cloud drove up to the Healin Lodge, where the Turks were hiding out in. He grabbed a sword from his back's sheath, for extra security. He walked up the steps, and opened the door.

"Ahhhhhh!" shouted the Turk, Reno. He ran past Cloud before he could even get through the door, and fell over the railing. Cloud shrugged, and walke dinside, and locked the door. For extra security.

Rude entered the room, looking cool and snazzy in his sunglasses.

"_Hey Rude! Help me out, yo! The door's locked!_" his partner Reno shouted from outside. Cloud pointed his sword threateningly at Rude, who was silent, as usual.

"I see you're still emo, Cloud." said a voice.

In a wheelchair, rolled in a guy wearing a white suit, with a white blanket over his head. "Still in love with dead people?" he asked.

"Rufus Shinra?" muttered Cloud. "How in the heck are you STILL alive? I thought the WEAPON destroyed your office to smithereens!"

"Hello to you too, Cloud." replied Rufus coolly. Cloud glared at him.

"I don't get it."

"I'm still alive because-"

"Shut up, prick!"

"My fanboys need an excuse-"

"Do you think I care?!"

"Cloud-" began Rufus, but our blonde hero was already heading for the door. "Wait, Cloud."

Cloud turned his head. "What?"

Rufus lifted his hand to flick away his bangs. "We need your help. We started an investigation in the Northern Crater, to find out if Sephiroth is alive."

"Well, he's not. I mentally Omnislash'd him." retorted Cloud.

Rufus smirked. "Come now, Cloud. Silver-haired villains don't simply diasppear because of an Omnislash!"

"They do in my head."

"Well, tell your brain that it sucks!"

"You suck, your prick!"

Rufus sighed. "Are you still mad at Shin-Ra becuase we turned your boyfriend into swiss cheese?"

"He's not my boyfriend!"

"Then why are you wearing half a dress right now?"

"It's not a dress!"

"_Ha ha! Cloud's so sensitive!_" Reno shouted from outside. Cloud kicked the door in frustration.

Rufus continued. "Anyway Cloud, we began an operation to make sure Sephiroth's to never return. But of course, we were attacked, and I lost my best Turks. These two are sooo useless!"

Rude shiftedf uncomfortably in his stance.

"Anyway, we decided that we'd need someone who can actually pwn someone's butt. And, all we could think of was you."

Cloud looked down at the floor. "Wasn't there another emo you could've bothered with this?"

Rufus shook his head. "There was also Vincent, but if we can't even handle an emo, then an emo _vampire_ would be too much."

"Hmph. You got that right."

Cloud opened the door. "Yeah, I'm just gonna leave..."

With a burst of desperation, Rufus added, "Think of the children, Cloud!"

Cloud hesitated. "Umm..."

"Yeah, Cloud! Think about it!" smiled Reno stupidly. "We could rebuild Shin-Ra!"

Cloud pushed his way out the door. "You killed my boyfriend."

Rufus sighed. "You blew it, Turk!"

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 3: The Real Ripoff Is Hollander

Sorry for the HUGE delay- I didn't mean it, I swear! Well, I hope ya'll enjoy the fourth installment of AC: Abridged!

**CHAPTER 3- THE REAL RIPOFF IS THE HIPPIE, HOLLANDER**

Marlene and Tifa walked through the wide wooden doors of the Sector 5 slums church. Marlene smiled for some confusing reason, and went on ahead. Tifa hid a secret smirk. _Oh, wow! No SOLDIER hunks todays, eh, Aerith?_

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Aerith: **"That breast-implanted crazed skank!"

**Angeal:** "Aerith! Such language! I wouldn't even think the Cetra would speak that way!"

**Zack:** "Oh, they do, Angeal."

**Angeal:** "Zack?"

**Zack:** "Heh heh, back when I was blown to smithereens, and died, I met Ifalna. She was pretty ticked off that I 'ditched' Aerith for that 'black suited Turk b'- well, you get the picture."

**Angeal:** "Geez, harsh."

**Aerith:** "I can't believe this! Standing in my church! With those boobs!"

**Zack:** "Jealous, Aerith?"

**Aerith:** "Of course not! I just hope Cloud doesn't fall for that trick that women do to poor, blonde emos like him! With those BOOBS!"

**Zack:** "Err..."

**Aerith:** "Grr! I'm so MAD!"

**Hollander:** "I'm wearing flip-flops!"

**Zack:** "Shut up, you crazy Hojo- ripoff hippie!"

**Hollander:** "Feh, you failed experiments are all the same!"

**Zack:** "What did you say about Cloud?! Leave my friends alone! (Starts chasing Hollander through the Lifestream)"

**Hollander:** "NOOOOOOO!!"

-Sector 5 Slums Church, Midgar-

Marlene looked up. "Is this place haunted, Tifa?" she sqeaked nervously. Tifa shrugged and walked over to the cooler, where Cloud's stuff was. On top was a dirty bandage, and it looked really gross. Marlene picked it up, hoping to gain Super Saiyan powers from it. Sadly, this wasn't the DBZ world.

"It's like Denzel's!" Marlene exclaimed. "Is Cloud stealing Band-Aids now?"

_Are all people from Coral really THAT stupid?_ Tifa thought, sighing as she did so. "No, Marlene. Cloud has the stigma."

"Geostigma?!"

"Yes, for the love of Sector Six, Marlene- GEOstigma!"

"Huh?"

"Grrr!"

Tifa really wanted to punch Marlene in the teeth, but knew that you just couldn't knock out a six-year-old. Then Tifa wished she could punch Aerith, but she was already dead. Tifa couldn't believe Sephiroth dared to beat her to the punch- oh, the bad puns har har har!- of getting rid of the annoying, pink-garbed flower-scheming girl-schemer. The martial artist could always clock out Cloud- but that wouldn't help her gain points with our blonde hero.

"OK, let's go already!" Tifa grumbled.

"No, let's wait for Cloud!" protested the little brunette girl. Brunettes reminded Tifa of her number-one tee-hee-heeing rival. And it didn't help that Marlene was wearing Aerith's old hair ribbon, either.

"Fine, when he gets here, we're outta here, alright?!" muttered Tifa through clenched teeth. Marlene, oblivious to the tone of Tifa's voice, said, "I'm hungry!"

"Then EAT THIS!" Tifa screamed, fingers balled into a fist, aiming for Marlene's head. Marlene jumped up, and ran to the doorway.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!" she squealed, terrified of the PMS-induced bar hostess.

**#**

-Healin Lodge-

"Omgmyfreakinbacknoilovemytaserstick!" Reno groaned, slumping to the floor. Kadaj walked passed him, satisfied to take out the comic-relief Turk. Rude was in no better shape.

"You suck, Rufus!"

"Oh, are we already on first-name terms?"

"You know I don't have a surname."

"Ah! Touche."

And somewhere in Naruto Abridged, a very ticked off Iruka left the show.

Kadaj hovered above the wheelchaired President. "Are you hiding something?"

Rufus pulled his blanket around him tighter. "Uh, what gave you that impression?"

Kadaj smirked, and tossed two Turk I.D. cards into Rufus's face. They belonged to collected Tseng and the swanky n00b, Elena.

"Those were my best Turks!"

Kadaj laughed softly. "Why would I want the Two Stooges to smuggle info out of?"

"Touche."

Iruka cursed, and threw a carton of milk out of the window. Kakashi cried.

Kadaj kneeled in front of President Shinra. "I forgot my lines." he said.

Rufus smiled too. "Oh, was it about Mother, the Geostigma and something about party invitations, right?"

Kadaj frowned. "There was a party?"

"The Forgetten City- you'll understand later."

The Mother-less silver-haired weirdo lifted his head. "Now, I'm gonna show you-"

"That you're actually Sephiroth, right?"

Kadaj sighed. "What?! How did you guess?! And I really wanted to do my flicker animation of me and Sephiroth!"  
"ZING!" giggled Reno from his faceplant.

"Touche." Rufus concluded.

Iruka KO'd.

TO BE CONTINUED.


	5. Chapter 4: The Tango, Starring Loz

**CHAPTER 4- The Tango, Starring Loz**

Somewhere in the Wastelands of the monstrous city of Midgar, Cloud shoved the funky Buster Sword back into the ground, looking frustrated as he did so.

"Who keeps knocking this out?" he said out loud. "I swear I've been seeing Harvest Sprites lately. I'm not crazy!" he shouted into the wind, with nobody to listen to him, except...

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Zack:** "(Huff huff) Man, that hippie sure can run fast!"

**Angeal:** "Despite him being fat and useless."

**Aerith:** "And wearing flip-flops."

**Gillian (smacks Angeal in head):** "That's your father you're talking about!"

**Angeal:** "He's NOT my father!"

**Gillian:** "Yes, he IS!"

**Angeal:** "I can't hear you! I can't hear you!"

**Hollander:** "I'm wearing flip-flops!"

-Wastelands, Midgar-

Cloud looked up to the sky in alarm. "I'm not going crazy...I think." Our blonde hero shook his head, and grimaced at his deceased best friend's mega-oversized cleaver.

"Err, just in case that you're listening, Zack, old buddy old pal," Cloud began nervously. "I'm not gay. And I didn't steal Aerith from you. Heck, all girls are more appealing than Tifa! I couldn't help it!"

Suddenly, Cloud collapsed next to the Buster Sword, his sleeved arm pulsing with undescribable pain. Flashbacks of Zack appeared before his eyes.

_Ah, CRAP! Mind seizures... _The emo thought as he fainted.

**#**

Marlene was halfway to the entrance when a tall emo dressed all in black appeared. "Cloud, you gotta help me!" Marlene shouted. "Tifa is trying to..." The little girl then noticed that the man wasn't Cloud, because Cloud was real cooler than this guy. REALLY cooler.

Tifa must've noticed too, because she left her fist suspended in the air, two centinmetres away from Marlene's head. "Can we help you?"

Loz looked around the crumbling church. After a swift search with his eyeballs, Loz did some sort of battle stance. He looked stupid, as always.

"Let's tango!" he challenged her.

Tifa did her own battle stance. "But I only learned the girl par- oh, wait. That joke won't work here." she added quickly, remembering that episode of Chuck- 'Chuck Versus The Tango'.

Loz smirked. "I have a taser attached to my arm! What cool and awesomely pwnsome weapon do you have?!"

"I have-" Tifa began, but then looked down at her leather gloves, feeling pathetic. "The power of friendship!"

Loz snorted. "That's the stupidest thing ever! Who'd believe in that crap?!"

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Zack:** "..."

**Angeal:** "..."

**Aerith:** "..."

**Hollander:** "I'm wearing flip-flops!"

**Zack:** "Will you shut up already?!"

-Sector 5 Slums Church, Midgar-

Tifa looked around, embaressed. "Er, tango?"

The fight began, nothing like the infamous tango. The two fighters launched insults at each other, while Marlene watched behind a pillar column. Destruction followed, with Aerith's walls and benches being annihilated on the spot. Tifa ran up the wall, then kicked Loz in the face. The cartiliage gave away with a nasty _CRUNCH!_ where Tifa's boot had landed. Tifa pushed Loz into the floorboards, and was about to jump off when Loz grabbed her ankle, and swung her around like a pair of numbchucks before letting go. Tifa landed gracefully against the wall, and flowers flew up with dramatic force, even though the over-chested bar hostess was nowhere near the plants. Loz grinned stupidly at her.

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Aerith:** "NOOOOOOO! My flowers!"

-Sector 5 Slums Church, Midgar-

And because of Aerith's rude outburst, we end up missing the rest of the fight. Not that we care, of course.

Loz groaned underneath the pile of pews. Tifa stood in a semi-victory pose, the wind blowing thinly through her hair. Marlene ran over, completely forgetting the fact that Tifa wanted to make sure that she'd only be able to eat mushy, baby food for the rest of her life.

"Hurray! Didn't I look useful?!"

"Who're you talking to, Tifa?"

Suddenly, an errie, repetitive sound filled the air. The _Spongebob Squarepants_ theme song trilled from the rubble pile Loz was under. And just like the ending scene from _Carrie_, Loz's arm popped out of the wood, and flung them away. He flipped open his phone, and listened.

"Hello?" he said, thinking it was either Yazoo or Kadaj.

"_Hi! Is Ivana Breathemore there?_"

Loz frowned. "Ivana Breathemore? I don't get it."

Laughter erupted from the other end. "_Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!_"

"Huh?"

"_...Wait, this isn't Tifa? Um, whoops. Hey, pal, if you meet her, then you'd ge-_"

Click.

Loz stared at Tifa, trying not to laugh. Instead, he had a freaky look on his face. At least he'd got the joke.

"Err, I know I'm supposed to be a douche and kidnap the little girl-" began Loz, then flung one of the remaining pews at Tifa's head. Tifa, trying desperately to breathe (LOL!!), swung her arm in front of her, dodging the cheap attack. Loz transported himself, Matrix-like, and snuck up behind her, tasering Tifa in the process. Tifa then soared through the air, and landed in the flowers, crushing them to oblivion with her extra weight, resulting by the fault of her upper torso.

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Aerith:** "Grr, that's it! I've had enough! Didn't anyone ever hear me say, 'Don't step on the flowers'?!"

**Hollander:** "I'm wearing flip-flops!"

**Zack:** "That's really getting old!"

-Sector 5 Slums Church, Midgar-

Loz walked over, the stupid-looking victor of this fight. He leaned over Tifa, and grabbed a fistful of her shirt. We all laughed when we noticed that this movie was still PG-13.

"Whoa, that guy was right! How DO you manage to breathe?"

Tifa glared at him. "The camera adds ten pounds!" she protested, even though we all knew she was lying.

Loz shrugged, and was about to a taser deathblow, when he was conked on the head by a large, round marble, glowing like radiation. Loz twisted his head to see over his shoulder. Cloud's cooler was open, and inside was more of the radiated marbles, also known as Materia. Marlene grinned, looking quite smug.

Loz stood up. "Looks like I'll have to be a douche." he announced, walking slowly towards the six-year-old.

"Crap." squeaked Marlene.

TO BE CONTINUED?!


	6. AC: Abridged Comment Special!

**AC: ABRIDGED COMMENT SPECIAL!!**

Welcome to the first ever AC: Abridged Comment Special! This special even will be lead by-

**Reno:** "Me, of course!"

Err, I was thinking more of Zack, Aerith and Angeal.

**Reno:** "Whaaaaaat?!"

**Rude:** "..."

**Elena:** "Ha! In your face, Reno!"

**Reno:** "This is SO unfair!"

**Angeal:** "Yeah, yeah. Now, shove along, Turk."

**Reno:** "Grrr! Just remember, we get paid more than you!"

**Rufus:** "Since when? I haven't written a check in years!"

**Scarlet:** "Jyahahahahaha!"

**Everyone Else:** "..."

A-HEM! Let's introduce our hosts: Zack Fair, Angeal Hewley, and Aerith Gainsbourough!

**Zack:** "w00t! Thanks, HK!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee!"

**Angeal:** "..."

What's wrong, Angeal?

**Angeal:** "Why in the name in all that's Holy did you put Hollander in? I mean, that flip-flop joke was old before it even started!"

Old, you say? Well, let's check out some of those comments!

_"Haha XD_

_I loved Tifa wanting to punch Marlene in the teeth, and Hollander telling us about his flip flops :3_

_Hope to read more, you have a great talent for comedy!" - Emilee-san._

See, I have a great talent for comedy!

**Angeal:** "..."

Do you need more proof, Angeal?

**Angeal:** "No, that's fi-"

TOO LATE!

_"IM WEARING FLIPFLOPS LOL" - usagiki1234_

**Hollander:** "I'm wearing flip-flops!"

**Angeal:** "Get out of here, you crazed Hojo-imitation!"

**Hojo:** "Hee hee hee! Can't even cure a cold!"

**Aerith:** "-Gasp!-"

**Zack:** "The real thing- in surround sound Hi-Def!"

**Hojo:** "...Hmph. No appreciation for true genius. -grumbles then walks away-"

Anyhoo, where were we?

**Zack:** "Bring on the comments!"

Alright! Here's one for Reno. Reno, you do the honors!

**Reno:** "Yes! The old Turk charm worked!"

**Zack:** "-anime sweat drop-"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee! Are you flirting with HK?"

**Reno:** "Maaaaybe. So, what do you say, HK? Wanna date?"

**Elena:** "Hey!"

Um, I'll think about it. (Not.)

**Reno:** "Where's my comment?! Where's my comment?!"

Oh, right. Here ya go.

_"Uh...I'll probably sound like an idiot, but what does Ivana Breathemore supposed to mean -' Oh, and, funny chap!;) I love when we see what they're thinking in the lifestream D" - JesusRox7111_

**Reno:** "WTF?! How did you not get my joke?! It was my most original to date!"

...

**Reno:** "-Sigh- OK, fine, I guess it'll be hard to pick up if you don't know Tifa. But come on, it isn't hard to find Tifa! I mean, heh heh."

**Elena:** "Reno... WTH are you talking about?!"

**Reno:** "Errr... -anime sweat drop-"

**Tifa:** "Hi guys! -pant, wheeze- Sorry I took so -wheeze pant pant!- It's just, -cough cough wheeze pant!!-"

**All the Guys:** -stares intensly at Tifa-"

**Tifa:** "Umm, why are you guys gawking at me like that?! My face is up here..."

**ATG:** "Ummmm..."

**Tifa (cracks knuckles):** "GRRRRRRRRR! -anime angry sign- NOT THIS AGAIN!"

**ATG:** "YIKES! TIFA ALERT! RUN!"

The angered Tifa chases the guys all over the Comment Special!

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee. Is it that time of month again?"

**Elena:** "It's always that time of month again with Lockhart around here. Sheesh, I wonder if Reno is asking for a death wish, prank calling her all the time."

**Zack:** "Thank Shiva I'm already dead!

**Aerith:** "Is that your reason without coming up with an excuse to explain your disappearance for five years straight?"  
**Zack:** "Kinda. Plus, it's slow dragging around a comatose emo with you, and the Buster Sword, AND all of my materia, AND my Potions!"

**Elena:** "OK, we get the point!"

**Zack:** "Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?"

**Elena:** "No, I'm still alive."

**Zack:** "But I thought Kadaj and them-"

**Elena:** "Geez, this stupid movie we're parodying doesn't make anything clear enough!"

**Aerith:** "Well, you're not that important. It's all about me, Cloud, and angsty emoness!"

**Zack:** "Well, at least I got my own game..."

**Aerith:** "We still love you, Zacky! Tee hee hee!"

**Angeal:** "Are we gonna answer some comments or not?!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee!"

_"Like, who cares about Tifa?! CloudxAerith forever! All Tifa did was ignore Cloud, and only wanted him when he was gone from her one-dimensional life! She should just stick to serving drinks. Plus, in the movie, she only fought once, and got beaten by a crybaby! Cloud and Aerith forever! Oh, and Cait Sith sucks. And so does Yuffie. And Zack should be in Dissidia too! He pwnzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!" - TheUltimateAerithFan001_

**Zack: **"Wait, this isn't in the Reviews..."

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Wow, like, this reviewer is so accurate! And to name themselves after me... I'm worshipped!"

**Angeal: **"Aerith, you submitted that, didn't you?"

**Aerith:** "Um, tee hee hee! Silly Angy! Now why would I bash my numbero uno rival, even if she is one-dimensional, ugly, evil, and has huge boo-"

**Angeal: **"-Sigh- Nevermind."

**Aerith:** "Next comment!"

_"This is the weirdest story I have ever read." - ShinRa_

**Zack: **"Of course a guy with a name like 'ShinRa' would say something like this."

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Totally!"

**Rufus: **"You low-grade SOLDIER types are just jealous that I'm rich! And powerful. And has a blankie."

**Zack: **"Excuse me?"

**Rufus:** "Um, I mean, this blankie- blanket is just hiding the sample box of Jenova cells!"

**Kadaj:** "So you DO have Mother! You low-down scum!"

**Loz:** "Give us Mother! -sobs-"

**Yazoo:** "Don't cry Yazoo."

**Rufus: **"Oh, (BEEP!) Tseng, sic 'em!!"

...

**Rufus:** "Oh right, you're half dead. -Sigh- Guess I'll have to use the Two Stooges."

**Reno:** "Alright! Uh, what?"

**Rufus:** "I give you your salary! Now fight monkeys!"

**Rude:** "..."

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee!"

Sigh, so much for that Comment Special... Well, tune in for the next chapter of AC: Abridged!

**Cid:** "Fan (BEEP!)ing service!"


	7. Chapter 5: The 'Adults' of Denzel

**CHAPTER 5- THE "RESPONSIBLE" ADULTS OF DENZEL**

Denzel was shocked. He'd just remembered something extremely important to the plotline of the story... Something vital...

He'd missed the re-run of _Charmed_ again.

_Darn it,_ he thought, touching his oozing forehead. His bruise- Geostigma was getting on his nerves. The cute girls his age thought he looked ugly or something, because none of them were coming near him, even though he was on the street outside of Seventh Heaven. And where were all the adults lately? And what was with all of these diseased kids doing out in the back alleys? Shouldn't they be home with their parents? Oh, right, this was Final Fantasy, and kids could look after themselves in smelly bars filled with booze at the age of four while the responsible adults of their life went off blowing up power plants for the sake of the Planet. Sounds like somebody was shirking their parental duties.

"Hey."

Denzel looked up. A cute girl with pig-tails and a moogle doll looked down at the boy. Her VA was Andrea Bowen and she too, was disease-ridden. Umm, the girl was the one with the disease, not the wonderful Andrea Bowen, who also is the VA of Aerith in Crisis Core. Cough. If anyone cared. _Sniff!_

Denzel stared at the Moogle Girl. "Are you sick too?" she asked.

Denzel nodded. "There are no responsible adults in my life. Tifa left the bar without me and took Marlene somewhere; an angsty self-centered depressed emo --whose last name is _Strife_ for Gaia's sake!-- is somewhat my adopted dad, and some Mr. T imitation is off drilling for oil. It's kinda ironic, because he was an environmental terrorist two years ago trying to stop Shin-Ra, and now he's drilling?!"

Moogle Girl cocked her head to one side. "I don't really get it, but that sounds tough."

"Yeah."

The Stigma'd girl pointed to a truck just across the street. "There's these suspicious silver-haired strangers that claim they're gonna help us with out stigma, even though it's incureable. Wanna come?"

"But aren't they strangers?"

"Yeah."

"And everyone's always telling us not to go off with strangers, right?"

"What's your point?"

Denzel stood up. "Oh, I have none. The _responsible_ adults are hypocrites. Screw them, let's go."

Across the street, the idiotic kids without the _responsible_ adults of their life were being loaded into the back of a truck. Yazoo was in the front, smirking.

"These kids are (BEEP!)ing morons." he said softly.

**#**

-Sector 5 Slums Church-

Cloud walked through the entrance of the Sector 5 church. It looked like a cheap hurricane had passed through. Cloud suddenly noticed something. Tifa was groaning in the flowers, and Cloud immediately panicked.

"The flowers!" he cried. "OMG, they're all ripped up and scattered!" He rushed over to the scene of the crime. He tried to lift the unconcious Tifa off of the flowers, to check if the ones underneath her were unharmed. Sadly, he could barely lift her an inch, because of her humungous breasts.

_Ugh! She weighs a ton!_ Cloud grunted, and soon gave up. _Those poor flowers are beyond recovery. Stupid woman. Lose some weight already!_

Tifa groaned once more, and opened her eyes. She must be dreaming, because in real life, Cloud wouldn't be holding her and looking concerned about her life. In fact, it was real life, and Cloud only cared about the damage that was done to his dead girlfriend's property. (Not that she actually owned the church legally when she was still breathing, but still...)

"Cloud?" Tifa asked weakly, trying to change the scene from self-humiliation to R-rated romance. Shudder.

"Oh, you're alive," muttered Cloud, clearly disappointed. But then again, maybe it was good that Tifa still had a pulse. For one, she could get up herself off of his flower patch. And second, if she'd died, then a major catfight would be going up in the Lifestream right about now...

"Grrrr!" grumbled Tifa. What was with Cloud lately?! Just because his best friend was murdered before his eyes and his scheming brunette flower-power buddy was expertly sliced-and-diced by his archnemesis two years ago, doesn't give him the right to mope around and make her look after the children! What about her?! Obviously, Cloud was too emo at the moment to care. Did he ever care? If it were up to the crazy Aerith fans, then Tifa would be tossed off a craggy cliff in a severe thunderstorm with a flash grenade following after. Ooooh, they would like that, wouldn't they?!

Uh, YEAH!

"Oooh, my migraine..." moaned Tifa, trying to sound cute and helpless at the same time. Well, she was getting one thing right, and it wasn't the cute part...

Suddenly, Tifa remembered Marlene. She would be screwed if Mr. T- I mean, Barret- were to find out that his daughter was kidnapped. The bar hostess imagined all of the symbols and insults being thrown at her head for that one. And did we mention that Cloud was emo??

Tifa fainted in Cloud's arms. Cloud rolled his eyes, and dropped her head on purpose. His hands would get crushed if he even tried to lift her for another nanosecond. He looked around, and noticed that his cooler was gone.

_No! I had my 'special plant inhancers' in there! _He thought to himself. And he really needed it too. The flower patch was doomed, doomed I tell ya!

Suddenly, our hero was crippled by another seizer-inducing Geostigma attack. Black, tar-like ooze portruded out of his gloves. He collapsed near Tifa, making all of the Aerith fans shake their fists in anger. And then that really weird sequence with the water drop (obviously Aerith) occurred, and we see Tifa, Cloud, the flower patch, and a white background with Mr. Wolfy reappearing. No, don't leave Mr. Wolfy! Come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!

**#**

-Seventh Heaven bar, 2nd Floor-

Cloud opened his eyes. Wait, this wasn't the church! And it was really dark here too. _I'm...I'm dead!_ Cloud thought. _I'm really dead! Yes! Finally, I can get away from Tifa! And see Jessie! Yes! I've never felt so alive!! _

"What's up with Emo Freak?" said Reno loudly, standing near the door. Rude was next to him, silent and pwnsome, as usual. Cloud blinked, and sat up on the bed. He was just back at that godforsaken bar-- AGAIN! The Planet hated him so much that they made sure that he was miserable and alive and blonde and that Tifa was always nearby, whining in his friggin' ear! (Geez, no wonder he didn't care about the Planet at the beginning of FFVII...)

"You awake, yo?" asked the spunky Turk.

Cloud silently rolled his eyes. "No, I'm just an animated corpse-- of course I'm awake! You Turks are complete morons!"

Reno gave the emo a stupid Renoish smirk. "You're the one to talk! At least I wasn't some comotose deadweight once."

"Do you guys ever shut up about that?! It was only onnnne tiiiiiiime..."

Rude cough. Cloud shot him a glare. "Anyway, what the hell are you guys doing here?"

Reno smiled. "Uh, we just saved you."

"From what? Flattened pollen?"

"Sigh. Nevermind."

Cloud heard a soft groan coming from behind him. He turned his head, and saw Tifa, sleeping on the bed next to him. Desperate Tifa fans screamed because Cloud and Tifa weren't sharing a double bed together. Sickos.

_She groans a lot._ Cloud thought mildly. _And what's with the Turks lately? They're freakin' everywhere!!_

"Oh yeah," added Cloud, staring at the red-headed Turk. "Why do you keep prank-calling Tifa everyday? She knows it's you, you know."

Reno sighed once again, and turned to exit the doorway. "Uh, 'cause she's hot! And you're one lucky dog, getting to see her-- uh, nevermind."

And so they left.

_Jerks,_ mumbled Cloud.

**#**

-The Forgotten City-

"What's with these marbles?" Kadaj asked, holding up a super shiny Materia in his hand. Impulsively, he pushed it into his arm, and wipsy smoke swirled around it.

"It's so...pretty..." Loz replied in awe.

"Shut up!" snapped Kadaj. "I'm the lead throwawy villain here, not you!"

"I'm hot," Yazoo said randomly. "I have plushies designed after me."

Kadaj rolled his eyes. "Come on! Let's get this show on the road and zombifie these stupid kids already!"

TO. BE. CONTINUED.


	8. Chapter 6: The Unworthy Rival of Aerith

**CHAPTER 6- THE UNWORTHY RIVAL OF AERITH**

Cloud continued to stare out of the window. The angle and the diameter of the frame was solidly fixed into his brain, making his calculations somewhat accurate. Just then, Tifa woke up, and sat up in the bed. She looked at Cloud, who was sexy when he was concentrating.

"What are you doing?"  
Cloud continued to stare. "I'm estimating the distance from the second floor to the pavement on the road."

"That's not even funny."

The blonde, sexy emo was silent. This frustrated Tifa even more.

_Fine! Act like an emo!_ she screamed in her head, letting Inner Tifa take over. Again. For the twelve BILLIONTH FREAKING TIME!

"Why didn't you tell me you were sick??" Tifa whined, trying to make our hero pay attention to her for once. "Like, we could've helped each other with the pain! And act like a true family!"

_Is she nuts??_ Cloud thought. _What's all this family crap she's spouting about? And she doesn't even have the Stigma! What does she know?! I mean, what the fu--_

"Cloud?"

Our hero continued to ignore the bar hostess.

"Dilly dally, shilly shally!" sighed Tifa, now stupidly desperate. "What is UP with you lately?!"

_I'm emo, alright?! _Cloud felt like shouting at her. _The solitary life's for me. Or being dead would be good right about now._

"Yo yo YO!" Came the voice of Reno through the door. "We are BACK!"

Rude stood next to his red-haired partner, a silent statue. With sunglasses.

"Oh great," muttered Cloud. "The Two Stooges are back."

Reno did that comical little back-lash poses that video game characters always do. "Yo, what's the deal, yo?! What's with this 'Two Stooges' talk lately?!"

"..." said(?) Rude.

Cloud rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

Suddenly, Tifa remembered the situation. "Where are the kids?!" she shouted at Reno. Reno chuckled while starely intensely at Tifa's... face.

"Kids? Oh, right." he began. "Kadaj is gay-- I mean, Kadaj's _gang_..."

Cloud stared at the Turk. "Did you say Kadaj is gay?"

"Um, no."

Our blonde hero rolled his eyes. "It would really explain a lot."

Reno coughed into his fist. "Anyhoo, the gay gang of Kadaj-- I mean, err... Sephiroth's spawn... Umm... The throwaway villain trio..."

"Just spit it out."

"They're at the Forgotten City!"

Cloud was quiet. "...Oh."

The comical Turk somewhat smiled. "I wonder why it's called the Forgotten City anyway. I mean, we all know it's_ there_..."

"Come on, Cloud!"

Everyone looked at Tifa, who'd suddenly had an outburst. Angered Aerith fans thought deeply of HK's statement in Chapter 5, and considered the craggy cliff.

Cloud looked away. "What?"

Tifa sighed, deeply irritated. "What is WRONG with you lately?! You don't tell me anything, you run off to some crumbling church, you're gonna die--"

"Whoa, you're dying?!" blurted Reno. "PLOT TWIST!"

"Oh, shut up, Tifa," muttered Cloud. The bar hostess gaped at him.

"W-What do you mean, Cloud?"

Cloud didn't dare to look at her. "What do I mean? What do you think I mean, Tifa?! Spending everyday in your presence suffocates me!"

Reno giggled to himself. Future prank calls were forming in his Turkish mind.

Cloud walked to the door. "Screw this. I'll just go to the Forgotten City myself."

And thus, he left.

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Aerith:** "HA! In your face, Tifa!"

**Angeal:** "Seriously, Aerith, what is up with you and this Tifa woman?"

**Zack: **"And why weren't we in the last chapter?!"

**Angeal: **"Does that really matter right now, Zack?"

**Zack: **"Err..."

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Silly Angy! Zack's right! Our Lifestream skit is ninety- eight percent the reason why this parody isn't going belly up!"

**Angeal: **"And you're taking credit for this?"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! I have a huge fanbase!"

**Angeal: **"Stop changing the subject. Now, what's your deal with Lockhart?"

**Aerith: **"It's because she's my unworthy rival!"

**Angeal: **"Huh? Then how can she be your rival?"

**Aerith: **"Oh, silly Angy! She wasn't even in the original gamescript! Totally unnecessary to the story line."

**Angeal: **"?"

**Aerith: **"Cloud belongs to me! I mean, she doesn't really love him! Women want what they don't have, right?"

**Zack: **"But, wouldn't that make you count as one of those women, Aerith?"

**Aerith: **"Oh, silly Zacky! I'm a CETRA. That's completely different."

**Zack: **"Ohhhhhhhhh!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! AerithxCloud always sounded better than TifaxCloud!"

**Angeal: **"You're starting to sound like an Aerith fanboy in denial..."

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Well, I have to go now!"

**Zack: **"Huh? Where are you going?"  
**Aerith: **"To the Forgotten City. Gotta rile up those Tifa fanboys somehow, right?"

**Angeal: **"You mean it's your cue in the movie now."

**Zack: **"What are you gonna do there?"

**Aerith: **"Mentally talk to Cloud."

**Zack: **"C-Cloud?! Really?! Can I come too?!"

**Aerith: **"Sorry, Zacky. You aren't in it until the end."

**Zack: **"Snap. Well, can you at least tell Cloud that I'm not mad at him or anything? I think he's really down because he blames himself for everything."

**Aerith: **"-crosses fingers- Tee hee. Sure thing, Zacky!"

**Angeal: **"-anime sweat drop-"

TO BE CONTINUED!!


	9. Chapter 7: The Drop Off's Victim, Kadaj

**CHAPTER 7- THE DROP-OFF POINT'S NEXT VICTIM IS... KADAJ**

-The Forgotten City-

Kadaj looked at the suckers-- I mean, the infected children. "So, what did you tell them to follow you here, Yazoo?" Kadaj asked Sephiroth's remnant Of His Allure.

Yazoo gave off a sly smile. "I told them we were going to Midgar Disneyland."

"Excellent!"

Kadaj and Yazoo did a deadly High-Five. Loz tried to join in, but Kadaj just slapped him in the head.

"Oww! -Sniff-"

"Don't cry, Loz."

Kadaj cracked his knuckles loudly, and eyed the kids across the lake of water. Time for his speech.

"You're all worthless little puppets!" Kadaj announced, making some of the kids look down at their shoes in shame. "Your parents hate you, and so do I! But, most importantly, the Planet hates your guts! That's why you're all cursed with the Geostigma! Because the Lifestream is one big bully, and has hidden Mother away from us!"

The kids stared at him. _??,_ they were all thinking amongst themselves.

"And now, we've come together, because apparantly the theme of this movie is family! And families act as one, and cause terror and grief among the citiznes who are slightly better off than us!"

Kadaj smirked. A blueish-dark aura enveloped him, and sprang out like a shield. He stepped into the water.

Yazoo suddenly realized something. "Kadaj, wait! Be careful of the drop-off point--!"

"AAAAHHHHHHH!!"

Kadaj was walking into the lake, and then instantly disappeared under the water. Two seconds later, he swam up to the surface. He was absolutley drenched.

"There was a drop-off point?! In a LAKE?!"

Yazoo shrugged. "There'd had to be. How else would Aerith's body just keep sinking into oblivion?"

"Touche."

Kadaj swum a little to the center, where there was actually something to stand up on. The water turned a grisly black. Kadaj cupped his hands, and brought a mouthful of the tainted water to his lips. He pretended to drink it, but actually just let the water fall through his fingers.

"Drink up, suckers!"

The children gave him a quizzical look. Kadaj laughed uncertainly.

"I mean, this water will give you Super Saiyan powers!"

Marlene, who was next to Loz, jumped in excitement. "Really?! Gimme, gimme!"

"None for you!" growled Loz, who was still mad at Kadaj for hitting him.

"Awwwwwwwwwwww!"

One by one, the suckers-- I mean, kids-- stepped into the lake of doom. They all drank a bit of the "Super Saiyan" water, making their eyes turn a greenish-blue with slits for pupils. That included Denzel, who'd given up on the 'responsible' adults.

**#**

Cloud was riding his swanky motorcycle Fenrir, adding to his lone-wolf statement. He looked ahead of him, and wondering why all of the trees were glowing white. Then, he thought about his next step to impressing Jessie. Suddenly, his surroundings became a burning white, and he fell onto the ground.

_Whoa, it's white! _Cloud thought, looking around. _Did I crash into a tree?? Or, I am truly...?_

_No, silly._

Back to back with Cloud, was none other than Aerith.

_What's silly? _Cloud asked.

_You, of course!_ giggled Aerith. _You're not dead. You've just entered Aerith's Private Lifestream Fantasyland!_

_Is that a good thing?_

_Tee hee. For me, that is._

_Err..._

Aerith touched Cloud's arm with her hand. Hordes of Tifa fanboys roared at the screen and lifted up their pitchforks and blazing torches. On the other hand, Aerith fanboys whooped and cheered in triumph.

_So, why are you here, Cloud?_

_What? I thought you brought me here!_

_Tee hee. That's true._

_..._

_Oh, right! I have a message from Zack!_

_Crap. He hates me, doesn't he?_

_Tee hee! He's livid._

-Somewhere in the (Other Part of) Lifestream-

**Zack:** "Uh, what?"

**Angeal:** "I knew it."

**Zack: **"Huh?! Aerith, you got it wrong! I'm not mad! Why did you say I'm mad?!"

**Angeal: **"'Cause her fingers were crossed. She lied to you."

**Zack: **"Uh, wait, Aerith! -tries to run through Lifestream but bounces back- WHAT?!"

**Angeal: **"She's using her Cetra Lifestream- manipulating powers to hold you back. She's up to something."

-Aerith's Private Lifestream Fantasyland-

Aerith giggled. _Did you hear that? That was Zack. Didn't he sound outraged? _

_All I heard was muttering. _mumbled Cloud

_Tee hee hee! That's right! The Lifestream had to censor his language._

_..._

A close-up of Aerith's chest was shown, partially hiding her smiling face. _Now, remember Cloud, you belong to m--_

_CLEAVAGE! _shouted someone.

Cloud looked around. _Who was that?!_

_Tee hee. Sounded like Reno._

_Huh? How the heck would HE be here??_

_Uh, gotta bounce!_

_Wait, Aerith!_

Cloud turned his head to try and catch a glimpse of the flower girl, but only saw more glowing white trees. He was back on Fenrir, driving through the Forgotten City forest place. Suddenly, a rally of gunshots came full throttle in his direction. Cloud did a semi-swerve on his motorcycle, and pulled out a couple of his uber-powerful swords. Up ahead was none other than Kadaj and his gang.

"So Yazoo," Kadaj asked, pulled out his double-bladed katana. "Where did you learn about drop-off points?"

"I watched _Finding Nemo_." answered Yazoo calmly, while firing mega-shots at 'Big Brother' Cloud.

-Somewhere in the Lifestream-

**Aerith: **"I'm back! Tee hee hee!"

**Zack: **"..."

**Aerith: **"What's wrong, Zacky?"

**Zack: **"..."

**Angeal: **"-anime sweat drop-"

**Aerith: **"-Sigh- What is UP with you two?! I was just gone a couple of angsty Cloud minutes, and now you two aren't anwering me!"

**Zack: **"..."

**Angeal: **"..."

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Look, Cloud's getting beat up!"

**Zack: **"W-What?! Where?!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee."

**Zack: **"-DMW starts to roll- Come ON! Give me Meteor Shots! I'll knock those punks down a peg or two!!"

**Aerith: **"(I knew it. Tee hee hee.)"

**Angeal: **"Restless as ever."

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee!"

-The Forgotten City-

Kadaj smirked his smirkiest smirk, and waved his double-bladed katana in the air. Handfuls of sickly diseased kids fell from the trees.

"Oof!"

"Ouch! I scraped my elbow!"

"Waaah! Mommy!"

"I can't believe it's not CGI!"

"Well, _I_ can't _believe_ it's not BUTTER!"

"..."

Kadaj rolled his eyes. Cloud groaned.

_Like a simple hit-and-run is gonna stop me..._ Cloud thought. _It's not like these kids have responsible adults. Oh, wait..._

Yazoo whistled. "And a one, and a two, and a one, two three... SING!!"

The kids began a shaky chorus, by singing the theme of...

"It's the beeeeeeeeeeeeest of both worrrrrrrrrrrrrlds!" That's RIGHT!

Cloud tried to cover his ears, but it was quite the task, because he was holding his sword and steering Fenrir at the same time.

"Can't. Take. The. Bad. LYRICS!" yelled our emo hero, who jumped off of his bike, which swerved sideways into a tree. Loz hopped over it, and tripped in the process. When he stood up again, his glare was menacing.

"What do you mean, bad lyrics?!" Loz shouted at Cloud immaturely. "_Hannah Montana _is teh bestest!"

"Agreed." agreed Yazoo, nodding his head to the hip hop beat.

Cloud gave the two a look. "I thought you loved your 'Mother'?"

"We do," replied Yazoo coolly. "But Mother approves of Disney sitcoms. She told us that thery're very educational."

"Yeah!" cackled Loz, trying to look cool. "Like _The Suite Life of Zack and Cody_!" But failed.

Our blonde hero rolled his eyes. "Nothing beats... _iCarly_!"

Kadaj pointed his double-bladed katana at Cloud's throat. "BLASPHEMOUS!" he snarled, ready to give the blondie a death-blow to his spikey head.

"IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND!" Marlene shouted randomly. While Kadaj was distracted with this infamous DBZ line, Cloud grabbed his own sword, and stood up urgently, swinging it at Kadaj. Kadaj jumped back. A three-on-one fight began, filled with roads being torn up by silver-haired blockheads, emos doing three hundred sixty degree flips while grabbing their swords, and lots of white, shiny twees! I mean, trees.

And somehow, amidst the chaos, Cloud was knocked out brutally by the evil Kadaj. Cloud's cell phone fell out of his pocket, and fell into the lake. Kadaj smirked, and was about to finish our hero off, when a magical tattered cape flew from behind the shiny twees (Trees. AHEM!), and covered the emo from attacks. Apparantly it was more bullet-proof than Elda's umbrella from the anime_ Karin_, because it was-- umm, bullet-proof. The red cape flew away. Cloud was gone, so somehow he was transported along with the cape.

Kadaj made that weird little _Tch! _noise with his throat. "Curses! Foiled by a blankie!" he murmured.

Oh, you have no IDEA, Kadaj!

TO...BE...CWONTINUED! (I mean, Continued.)


	10. AC: Abridged Comment Special 2!

**AC: ABRIDGED COMMENT SPECIAL 2!!!**

**Zack: **"Curses! The DMW came up Lucky Stars! Darn you Cissnei!"

**Angeal: **"Shh, Zack! We're on air!"

**Zack: **"What?! ....Oh, we are. Sorry folks!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee."

**Angeal:** ".....Well, are we gonna start, or not? I want to get this over with."

**Aerith:** "And why is that, Angy? AC: Abridged hasn't been featured in like, over a month!"

**Zack: **"Holy Jenova! That's a freakin' long time to our readers! They're so fed up, they probably went and read Inuyasha fanfics!"

**Reno: **"NNNNNNOOOOOOO! We must save them from evil filler manga!"

**Elena: **"The horror! THE HORROR!"

**Reno: **"Er, Elena? What are you doing here?"

**Elena: **"Um, what? I mean-- bleh, I'm half-dead. Oh, woe is me!"

**Reno:** "I'd save you Elena, but I got to get my butt kicked by some loser-tastic _Hannah Montana _fanboys in a couple of chapters from thsi Special."

**Yazoo:** "Shut up, fiend. Hannah can beat you all the way to Kalm and back again!"

**Loz: **"Yeah! With her awesomest singing talent!"

**Reno:** "Yeah, when Ifrit freezes over..."

**Loz: **"What did you say?!"

**Aerith:** "A-HEM! This is my Special, kiddies, so butt out of it! But you can stay Cloud. -winks at Cloud slyly-"

**Cloud:** "..........."

**Tifa:** "Grr, what do you mean by that, you b--"

_"IT WAS AWSOME! I CANT FEEL MY SIDES!" -XUsAgIxXkIX_

**Tifa: **"Hey! Don't you dare interrupt me, flower girl!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee, sorry Tifa. Unlike you, my readers are important and vital to my success."

**Tifa: **"WHAT?!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee."

**Angeal: **"............-reading a manga-"

**Zack: **"Watcha got there, Angeal?"

**Angeal:** "_xxxHolic_."

**Reno: **"Boo! That's such a bore! Read something action-packed, with tons of blood and guts! Like _Bleach_, or _Naruto_!"

**Elena: **"Says the guy who plays_ Kingdom Hearts 2 _on Easy Mode."

**Reno: **"Err..."

**Axel:** "L-O-L! Got it memorized?"

**Reno:** "Whoa!"

**Axel: **"W-h-o-a!"

**Reno and Axel: **"You sound identical to me! But of course! We're both voiced by the amazing Quinton Flynn! Awesome! SWEET!"

**Aerith: **"Shoo shoo, you silly Flynn voices."

**Reno and Axel:** "Yes ma'am. Y-e-s m-a-a-m. -scuffles away sadly-"

**Zack: **"-waits for Axel and Reno to leave- NEXT COMMENT!"

_"TIFACLOUDTIFACLOUDTIFACLOUDTIFACLOUDTIFACLOUDTIFACLOUD!" -HikariZaichuYami_

**Aerith:** "Tut tut. Such a n00bish and uncanon remark."

**Tifa: **"See, you stupid ditz! My fanbase is more uber-powerful than YOURS! Don't deny it!"

**Aerith: **"In self-denial again, Lockhart? Maybe you need another session of Dr. Aerith's Self- Denial Clinic..."

-FLASHBACK-

Sometime a few weeks back...

**Dr. A:** "Welcome to Dr. Aerith's Self-Denial Clinic!"

**Roxas, Cloud, Vaan, Tifa, HikariZaichuYami, Raguna:** "..."

**Dr. A: **"Well, let's get started. Who wants to intrduce themselves first?"

**HikariZaichuYami:** "-raises hand hesitantly- Well, my name is HikariZaichuYami, and I'm the most loyal TifaxCloud fan ever!"

**Dr. A: **"Tsk tsk. 'Loyal' isn't a word we apply to this 'TifaxCloud' nonsense. Those words don't belong to each other. We'll straighten you out soon enough."

**HZY: **"But--!"

**Vaan: **"I'M BASCH VON ROSENBURG OF DALMASCA!"

**Dr. A: **"Tee hee hee, no you aren't! You're just a thief who has no real importance to the concept of_ Final Fantasy XII_!"

**Vaan: **"I AM BASCH! HEAR ME ROAR!"

**Dr. A: **"Oh, my. Security!"

**Vaan:** "LONG LIVE BASCH VON ROSENBURG OF DALMASCA! -is dragged away in a straitjacket-"

**Raguna: **"-anime sweat drop-"

**Dr. A:** "So, who would like to go next?"

**Roxas:** "I'm Roxas. Apparantly I was part of Organization XIII, the Nobody of Sora, can wield two keyblades of the darkness and light...."

**Dr. A:** "Tee hee! Are you holding something back, Roxas?"

**Roxas: **"I'm....... FULL OF RAGE! RAWR! -punches Cloud and knocks him out- I'M ANGRY AND SUPER (BEEEeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeP!!!!!!!)"

**Dr. A: **"I'm sorry, Roxas, but I will not permit you to hit my boyfriend. Security!"

**Roxas: **"I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD, DR. A!!! -is dragged away in a straitjacket-"

**Dr. A:** "Tee hee hee."

**Roxas: **"SHUT UP! I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE I DID WITH RIKU!"

**Dr. A:** "Tee hee hee!"

-END OF FLASHBACK-

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee!"

**Zack: **"Um, and the point was?"

**Aerith: **"That I had to use four straitjackets on Tifa in order to get her head to foot!"

**Tifa: **"HEY!"

**Aerith: **"Most of them were used on her torso..."

**Tifa:** "Don't believe her, Cloud! She lies!"

**Cloud:** "..."

**Tifa:** "Ugh, Cloud, I demand that you listen to me!"

**Aerith: **"Hey everybody! It's Robert Pattison!"

**Twilight Fangirls: **"Kawaii! Where?!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! You'll have to stampede across Tifa to reach him!"

**Twilight Fangirls: **"Come on! -swoons heavily- ROBERT!"

**Tifa: **"NOOOO -gets stepped on by hordes of Twilight fangirls alike-"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee."

**Axel:** "-in announcer's voice- T-W-I-L-I-G-H-T! Now playing in theaters! Got it memorized?!"

To be Con--

-gets trampled on by the Twilight Fangirls- "ROOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT!!!!"


	11. Chapter 8: Return of the Vamp Vincent

**CHAPTER 8- RETURN OF THE VAMPIRE VINCENT**

-Somewhere in the Forgotten City forest ...place-

"What did I tell them?" Cloud grumbled, clutching his weak emo arm in his usual, emoish way. "I'm no good to help ANYONE." He then remembered all of his past screw-ups and all of the precious people he'd lost. Since Tifa wasn't dead, she wasn't a precious person. Geez, now this sounds like a _Naruto_ ripoff. Precious people...Hmm hmm hmm...

"Are you done your insecurity moment?" asked Vincent Valentine in his sexy, scratchy voice.

Cloud nodded, inferior to the vamp's sexy, scratchy voice that makes Vincent fangirls swoon in delight. "Yeah, sure."

"Hmph." hmph'd Vincent, walking over to his old companion, clacking his pointy, metal shoes. Even though they were on the grass. Weird.

Suddenly, Vincent grabbed Cloud's arm for no good reason, only to give our blonde hero even more pain. He then let go.

"I come here often," Vincetn began, even though Cloud hadn't said anything. "On my path of corrupted love and vengence, I breathe the scent of distainful blood upon my treasoned flesh, never to touch the pure without staining their soul. And then, I wonder--"

"For the love of Gaia, no emo poetry, PLEASE!" Cloud intervened.

"Err, sorry."

Vincent stood, looking very emo and vampire-like. For he was a vampire... somehow. "So, I get no thanks for saving you?"

"Not really. I was hoping to reunite with Jessie."

"Who?"

"Umm... So, hey! What have you been up to?"

Vincent tried to smile, but it look painful on his pale face. "Well, apparantly, I stopped Kadaj's gang --Ha ha, don't laugh. I get the joke-- from killing those Turks. Pretty ironic actually since I used to be a Turk..." Vincent was suddenly lost in thought. "Lucrecia..."

Here we go again, Cloud thought, rolling his eyes.

"Lucrecia. LUCRECIA!"

Suddenly, a rustle came from the bushes. Cloud pulled out his giant sword, and Vincent, whilst regretting his own existance as well, hovered his hand over his pwnsome gun holster. But the two emos were disappointed. It was only Marlene, who launched herself at Cloud and tackled him. Well, at least tried to.

"CLOUD!!!11" Marlene shouted. Cloud's eardrums rang with her squeaky, annoying voice. "ZOMG! YOU'RE ALIVE!"

_Uh, yeah,_ Cloud and Vincent both thought, tired of all of these perky, mindless people who always cornered them in their daily routines. Like Tifa, for example. Another example would also be Tifa.

"Can we order pizza?" Marlene asked, gesturing her hand for Cloud's cell. Cloud searched his deep, dark, dismal pockets of tragedy, but couldn't find his phone. Marlene groaned.

"Does Jasper have one?" she asked, pointing at Vincent. Vincent raised an eyebrow. "Jasper?"

Marlene sighed in frustration. "Grr, you emos are all the same! So, what DO you do in your spare time, Jasper?"

Vincent thought for a moment, embaressed to be confused with a mute vampire in some crazy new vampire 'romance' chick flick. "Well, besides mourning for my lost love, writing depressing poetry, and craving for the destruction of my immortal existance, not much else, actually."

_Mega-emo,_ Cloud and Marlene thought, an anime sweat drop shown above their heads.

"I wanna go home!" Marlene cried randomly. "Can we go home, Cloud?"

Cloud shook his head. "No way. I gotta go wrangle some answers out of Rufus for soem unapparant reasons, and avoid that annoying Tifa at the same time."

Marlene then ran over to Jasp-- I mean, Vincent-- and hid under his magical red blankie-cloak thing. "I HATE YOU!" she screamed at Cloud. Cloud shrugged.

"Well, now you know how I feel when I go in that stupid bar. The only reason I go there is to steal Barret's Red Bull."

"So THAT'S where Dad's drinks have been going! You're a big, fat poop, Cloud!"

"So where are your wings then, Cloud?"

"Shut up, Vincent. Taht theme is so over-used."

"POOP! POOP!"

"Stop saying that, little girl."

"Ha ha! Jasper SPOKE!"

"......."

Cloud thought for a moment, then decided to take Marlene home. He didn't want to deal with her whining all day. "Let's go."

Marlene smiled. "Yay! My guilt-trip worked on you!"

"Guilt-trip?"

"Err, I mean-- RAINBOWS! w00t!"

**#**

-Edge, in the middle of teh city-

The little, mind-controlled children of Edeg circled that big hunk fo crappy metal-- otherwise knwon as the Midgar memorial statue. Well, it IS pretty stupid looking. And so out of place. And mysteriously gets super small when you play_ Dirge of Cerberus_.

The local parents and citizens were outraged.

"Yo, I want meh childrun back!"

"I won't let my child be brainwashed by your Disney-sitcom ways!"

"That man it sick!"

Yes, they were clearly mad. Loz and Yazoo ignored them. Loz hugged his _Hannah Montana_ plastic doll with insane affection, then placed it back into his leather pocket. Yazoo hummed the theme song that was vibrating throuugh his iPod's speakers. The tune never got old to him. After the song was over, he turned off his iPod, and placed it into his back pocket also.

Loz and Yazoo gave each other the thumb's up. Time to teach these losers the true meaning of senseless celebrity worship. With FULL POWER!

It's the beeeeeeeeeeest of both worlds! I mean-- To Be Continued.

Reno

Tifa

Rufus

Hollander

Loz

Denzel

Aerith

Kadaj

Vincent


	12. Chapter 9: Face Off Against Bahumut SIN

**CHAPTER 9- FACE OFF AGAINST BAHUMUT SIN**

"Feel the fury of Yazoo, the Number One Fangirl Bait!" Yazoo cried. "But first, we need some music!" Yazoo snapped his fingers, and _Three Days Grace_ played, the song being "Riot", which, by the way, is an excellent song.

And just then, those shadow hounds appeared once more, and began to attack the citizens. Loz laughed like an idiot as people pushed and hollered, trying to avoid those gnarly fangs of the hounds. Now, with those nameless, forgetable fools out of the way, Yazoo and Loz decided to do a little demolition project. They grabbed the chains that entangled the Midgar monument, and pulled. Weakly.

"Knock knock," said the pwnsome voice of Quinton Flynn. The two silver-haired brothers turned to stare at the Two Stooges, who'd just arrived for the party.

Yazoo rolled his eyes. "Who's there?" he asked softly, taking the bait on purpose. There was mass destruction to be completed, and the Turks were getting in the way.

Reno grinned. "Banana Phone!"

"?"

Reno frowned. "Wait, that didn't come out the right way..."

Rude shifted his feet in embaressment. "You've got to stop watching those _Corner Gas_ reruns, Reno."

Loz laughed. "Ha, what's next, Turk? You gonna-- Um, err..."

But Loz didn't have time to finish his comeback, because-- well, he couldn't think of anything. Typical Loz.

"Well, if I had a gil for everytime I said something clever," started Reno. "I'd have 0 gil!"

Yazoo and Loz stared at him. "Did... Did you just_ insult _yourself?" they both asked, puzzled.

"Ha! You're just jealous of my witty sarcasm!"

"....."

Meanwhile, Tifa was amidst the crowds, standing out like a pineapple in the kiwi section of a produce market. Seriously though; she's wearing full body BLACK, while the civilians are clad in BROWNs and GREYs. Well, I guess all of the heroes are wearing black these days. Sora, Zack, James Bond, Zack, Batman, Zack... Except Vincent, of course.

Tifa was there for some strange, random reason, completely forgetting about the danger her ward Denzel could be facing. Remember the lesson about responsible adults? Well, there you go!

Our big-chested gal just then spotted Denzel, looking like a zombie in the circle of other zombified children. She ran over to him.

"Wakey-wakey!" she shouted in his face, shaking him like a rag doll. Denzel ignored her. "GRRR!" She wanted to slap him across the way in such a violent matter that Square wouldn't be alllowed to sell this movie to its consumers. And Tifa also knew that she would lose meaningless brownie points with Cloud, so she restrained her notable useless force.

**#**

"We're up very high," commented Rufus Shinra, perched on the edge of a very tall contruction building. He then looked down nervosuly. "Err, Kadaj, you DO know that my wheelchair doesn't have breaks on them, right? Umm, heh heh..."

Kadaj smirked. "Don't worry, I won't kick you off."

"That smile of yours concerns me..."

Rufus then pulled out a copy of the Reviews from , which contained a complaint about him. "What are is this person talking about? The statue gets destroyed?! By this Bahumut SIN?! When did this happen?! Does this Bahumut SIN know how much it costed to put that hunk of medal in Edge?! 100 gil, out of Shin-Ra's pocket, which is MY pocket And now they're calling me a cheap prick?! AND WHAT DID THEY SAY I SPEND THE MONEY ON?! ME AND SCARLET?! EEEW, THESE PEOPLE HAVE SICK MINDS!"

"You're rambling, President." Kadaj interrupted.

Rufus coughed. "Of course, I get off track sometimes. But seriosuly, what's this Bahumut SIN?"

Kadaj grinned. He stretched out his arm into the sky. A mini-blast erupted from the interior marbles of materia within his arm, which caused pwnsome runes and circles --representing a summon-- to tattoo the sky. A large dragon flew materializing from the blue, and flew down to the town square. From close-up, it looked like something ripped off of Power Rangers.

"You didn't answer my question, Kadaj."

Kadaj scoffed angrily. "THAT's Bahumut SIN, you idiot! I just summoned it to wreak havoc!"

"...."

"......"

"........"

"..........."

".....Oh. Didn't notice it."

**#**

Bahumut SIN, like any other random, vicious beast, decided to attack Edge for no good reason. Awesome blue and orange flames sprayed out of his mouth, and destroyed the town square, making the Two Stooges, Yazoo the Fangirl Bait, and whiny Loz retreat. The flames somehow oddly resembled the final fight color scheme of Part I of the _Naruto_ series, and the repetitive colors used to symbolized the manga's key characters. Well, this is what it reminded Haruko Kurimasu of, anyway. Of course, you're all too _cool_ to read _Naruto!_ Yeah, that's right, you're all lame! Mwahahahahaha!!!! And Tifa sucks! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

-Somewhere Within the Lifestream-

**Angeal: **"HK's gotta watch that mouth of hers. She's gonna be slaughtered by Tifa fans one day. -sigh-"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee. I don't mind--"

**Angeal: **"What?! Do you WANT HK to join us, Aerith?! Are you THAT insensitive?!?! You know, she's the one that writes the chapters that WE appear in!"

**Aerith:** "--her bashing Tifa."

**Angeal: **"....Oh. Well, then. -coughs into fist, embaressed-"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee."

**Zack:** "What the gil is going on down there?!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee. Hello, Zacky!"

**Zack: **"Hiya."

**Angeal:** "Where were you, Zack? And don't use that lame translation again!"

**Zack:** "I was trying to find Cloud, duh! But, everytime I thought I was getting close to him, my ghostly form rebounded back into the Lifestream!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee."

**Angeal: **"Aerith..."

**Aerith: **"Oh, don't be silly, Angy! I didn't have any part in that."

**Angeal: **"Your fingers better not be crossed again, woman."

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee. Of course not!"

**Angeal:** "Then why are your hands behind your back?"

**Aerith: **"Umm... Oh, my! Looks like we're out of time for this segment! Goodnight folks, and Merry Christmas!"

**Zack: **"And a happy New Year! See you in 2009!"

**Angeal:** "W-Wait! We barely beg--!"

**Zack: **"Hmmm. Maybe we should say Happy Holidays instead, Aerith. Don't want to offend our non-Christian readers!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Good idea, Zacky! Happy Holidays!"

**Zack:** "Happy Holidays!"

**Angeal:** "Don't you dare change the subject, Aerith! I swear--"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Gotta go!"

**Angeal: **"What are you doing with that remote! Don't turn us o--"

CLICK!

To Be Continued!! And Happy Holidays!

**Angeal:** "We aren't finished, Aerith!"

**Aerith:** "Oh my! Tee hee hee!"

**Zack:** "?"

**Hollander: **"I'm wearing flip-flops!"


	13. Bonus: Getting Hammered With Zack

**BONUS CHAPTER- GETTING HAMMERED WITH ZACK**

-Somewhere within the Lifestream-

**Angeal:** "Ugh, my head's spinning... What happened?"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Don't you remember, Angy?"

**Angeal:** "Huh? Who are you?"

**Aerith: **"Yep, he's still hammered!"

**Angeal:** "What?! I ain't dru....ugghh...."

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! What about you, Zacky dear?"

**Zack: **"Don't attack while its tail is up! IT'S A TYPO!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee. Silly boys."

**Zack (wasted mode):** "Cloud's in danger! Run like you mean it, Zack! Don't touch him, you Hojo-copycat!!! DAMN YOU GENESIS!!!"

**Jessie:** "What's up with him, Aerith?"

**Aerith: **"Oh, remember the New Year's Party we held three weeks ago?"

**Biggs: **"We had a party?"

**Wedge:** "I don't remember THAT!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee! Well, it was off-screen. But, I DID have it videotaped."

**Jessie:** "Oooh, sweet! Let's watch it!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! If you say so!"

(Aerith inserts the DVD into the PS3. That's right, a PS3! Jessie, Biggs and Wedge sit around the television, eating popcorn. Angeal and Zack are still passed out, and are lying around.)

-Three weeks ago, on New Years Eve-

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Welcome everyone, from AC: Abridged!"

**Everyone:** "Erm, thank you?"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Don't be shy, come in!"

(Everyone enters the party room Aerith had rented.)

**Hanatarou:** "Miss Aerith! I brought the video recorder for you!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee! Thank you, Hanatarou!" _-Hanatarou bows politely, then walks over to the refreshments-_

**Angeal:** "Who's that kid?"

**Aerith: **"Hanatarou Yamada."

**Angeal:** "...And?"

**Aerith: **"He's from _Bleach_, silly!"

**Angeal:** "_Bleach_? I thought this was cast-exclusive! What's he doing here?!"

**Aerith:** "I needed a servant to do my bidding."

**Angeal:** "Well, isn't _that_ nice."

**Aerith: **"He's also HK's guest!"

**Angeal:** "And HK lets you boss her guests around?"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! What HK doesn't know won't hurt her!"

**Angeal: **_"-groan-_ This is gonna turn out real bad..."

(Soon enough, everyone is drinking.)

**Aerith: **"Have some kirin, Angy!"

**Angeal: **"And what's that?"

**Aerith:** "A type of Japanese beer, I believe."

**Angeal: **"_-shakes head- _Nuh uh, Aerith. You have something up your sleeve, I can see that gleam in your eye. And you _know_ I can't hold my liquor."

**Aerith: **"Come on! Zack's joined in the fun!"

**Angeal:** "You manipulated him, that's all."

**Aerith:** "No, it's because Zacky's not a party-pooper like you!"

**Angeal: **"Then I'll be taking my leave--"

**Aerith: **"STAY!"

**Kirin:** "I'll be taking some of that kirin!"

**Aerith:** "Here you go!"

**Kirin: **"Do you have pickles?"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee! Of course! They're over by my slav-- Hanatarou!"

(Kirin walks away, happily singing about pickles.)

**Angeal:** "And who was that?"

Aerith: "He's from _O-Parts Hunter_!"

**Angeal:** "Greeeeeeeeeeat."

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee!"

-Back to the present Lifestream-

**Jessie: **"All I'm hearing is Angeal acting like the straight man! Where's the good part?"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! I'll fast-forward this!"

-New Year's Eve, thirty minutes sped up-

**Cloud: **"Should I even drink this, Zack?"

**Zack:** "I don't know. You get addicted to stuff pretty fast. Mako, revenge, depression, _iCarly_..."

**Cloud: **"Well, Aerith made this, especially for me. It's probably got no alchohol in it."

**Zack:** "Cheers then!"

(Cloud and Zack clink their glasses together, and take a full swig of_ Dr. A's 'Special' Potion._ Several minutes and _Potions_ later, well...)

**Cloud (drunk):** "I... ugh... I really like... potatoes..."

**Zack (also drunk):** "Yeah... They're all good... pies too..."

**Cloud:** "I feel... so mellow... like a sponge!"

**Zack:** "If's it's yellow..."

**Cloud and Zack:** "LET IT MELLOW! Hahahahahaha..."

**Cloud:** "..."

**Zack:** "..."

**Cloud:** "You know... friend... Guess what?"

**Zack: **"What?"

**Cloud:** "We don't do this often enough... Ya know? Chill out, without worrying about saving the world..."

**Zack:** "Watching out for the Blues..."

**Cloud: **"Blues?"

**Zack: **"I play a lot of _Mirror's Edge _in my spare time..."

**Cloud:** "..."

**Zack: **"..."

**Cloud:** ".....OH GODDESS!"

**Zack: **"WHAT?!?!?"

**Cloud:** _-falls out of chair, and crawls over to Zack- _IT'S ALL MY FAULT!"

**Zack: **"What is, Cloud?!"

**Cloud: **"I'm sorry! I... I never told this to ANYBODY! You got to keep my secret!!!"

**Zack: **"Come on, man, tell me!"

**Cloud:** "I--"

-Back in the Present Lifestream-

(Aerith pauses the DVD.)

**Jessie, Biggs and Wedge:** "WHAT IS IT?!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee!"

**Jessie:** "Oooh, I got it! Cloud' gonna confess his love for Zack!"

**Biggs: **"Of course! Good thinking, Jessie! I always knew that Cloud had a man-crush on SOMEONE!"

**Jessie: **"Unpause, UNPAUSE!"

**Biggs:** "We wanna SEE!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Alright!"

-New Year's Eve Party-

**Cloud:** "I--"

**Zack:** "What, Cloud?!"

**Cloud: **"I attacked it while it's tail was UP!"

-Back in the Present Lifestream-

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee!"

**Jessie: **"What..."

**Biggs: **"...was..."

**Wedge:** "...THAT?!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Well, could you reaslly take a drunk gay confession seriously? Cloud isn't in his right mind right now!"

**Biggs: **"I... guess you're right..."

**Jessie: **"-sigh- I was expecting too much from Cloud... again!"

**Biggs: **"Man, and I was hoping to get the scoop on him, too!"

**Jessie:** "Maybe next time, Biggs. Maybe next time..."

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! I'm not saying he isn't into Zack, or vice versa!"

**Jessie and Biggs: **"SERIOUSLY?!"

**Angeal:** "Ugh.... Who's screaming?"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Sobered up, Angy?"

**Angeal:** "What are you talking about? Of course I'm sober! ...................... What's the date today?"

**Aerith: **"January 19th, 2009."

**Angeal: **"That's ridiculous, Aerith! We still haven't rung in the New Year! _-looks over at the Lifestream calendar- _WHAT THE--?!"

**Aerith:** "You've been having a major hangover since our New Years party!"

**Angeal: **"How can that be, I didn't drink a drop!"

**Aerith: **"Remember the _'mineral water' _I gave you?"

**Angeal: **"Vaguely. And what do you mean by that... Oh, you _didn't!_"

**Jessie:** "Oh, she did."

**Wedge: **_"-watching rest of video- _Nice macarena dance, Angeal!"

**Angeal: **"Dance? Me? When did that.... -glares at Aerith- Aeeeeeeeeeeerriiiiiiiiitttthhhhhhhhh......"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Oh my, someone's angry!"

**Jessie: **"Can I have a copy, Aerith?"

**Aerith:** "Sure thing!"

**Angeal:** "No, not 'sure thing'! Give me that DVD, Aerith!"

**Aerith:** -grabs DVD out of PS3- Oh my, I must go make copies-- FOR EVERYONE!"

**Angeal: **"You wouldn't _dare_."

**Aerith: **"Oh, but I _would_."

(Aerith makes her grand escape through a Lifestream portal she conjured up, DVD in hand. Angeal hops through it too, and so begins the chase!)

Somewhere within this Bonus Chapter...

**Vincent: **"Ahem! Hello, mournful viewers. While Aerith and Angeal have their comical off-screen chase scene, HK has asked me to close up this Bonus chapter. She also wants to inform our readers that the next chapter won't take as long as this one, as HK wants to have the grand finale of this parody in March, when Advent Children COMPLETE is due to be released in Japan, and hopefully, on YouTube. She'd also appreciates everyone who comments and reads this parody."

**Yuffie:** "Anything else, Vincent?"

**Vincent: **"Er, yes. I want to share my own literature devices to the audience. There are other authors in this parody besides her."

**Yuffie: **"Fire away, then!"

(Vincent coughs into his golden clawed fist, and looks down at a piece of paper in his hand)

**Vincent: **"We watch as spring blooms in summer, descends into autumn, and dies within the cruel grip of winter. I stare into the eyes of Death, as our newly blossomed love corrodes and withers, leaving behind a trail of disdainful disgrace. Oh, how I beckon to thee, to come forth, and claim the blade of sacrifice, and peer down onwards as its rusted steel bites into my flesh--"

**Cait Sith:** "Great Scott, me ears are bleeding!"

**Vincent: **"What? What's wrong with it?"

**Yuffie:** "Er..."

**Cid: **"That was (BEEPING) terrible! It sounded like a mangled cat that got (BEEPING!) run over by a (BEEPIN!) truck, with broken saxophones as the (BEEPING!) wheels!"

**Vincent: **"...So, you're saying it needs a bit of improving."

**Cid:** "It'll take a lot more than (BEEPING!) that to '_improve' _that load of trash!"

**Yuffie: **"Umm, see you guys in the next chapter of _AC: Abridged_!"

**Cid: **"Don't (BEEPING!) interrupt me while I'm complain'!"

**Yuffie: **"..."

TO BE CONTI--

**Cid:** "I SAID, don't (BEEPING!) interrupt ME!!!"

..............


	14. Chapter 10: Pitying The Fool With Barret

**CHAPTER 10- Pitying the Fool! With Barret**

Tifa clutched Denzel like a fangirl, and looked around. "I'll save you, Denzel!" she cried out dramatically, in case anyone was listening. But because of the sudden uproar of a deranged Pokemon dragon on the loose, nobody was paying any attention to our extra-busty bartender.

"DAMMIT!" Tifa growled angrily.

"Tifa," mumbled Denzel weakly. "I can't breathe..."

"Don't be STUPID! Of course you can!"

"...Bleh, there's no oxygen in my brain... Ugh..."

Just then, one of those freaky hound things (one of the only two monsters featured in this film, with the exception of giggling fanservice) jumped up from behind Tifa. Tifa spun around, and was about to attempt to punch it, when Bahamut SIN's foot crushed it. CRUNCH!

Bahamut stared at the duo, then jumped up onto the statue. Knowing how cheap a prick Rufus was, he began to tear it down in his typical monster-like fashion.

Two minutes earlier, the Two Stooges just noticed Bahamut SIN with their own comedy-relief eyes. And because of the confusion and pure awesomeness of this scene, they retreated from the flames the monster ejected from its mouth. And amidst this utter confusion, they saved a few worthless kids, then-- BAM! They're out cold on the pavement!

Reno and Rude briefly regain their conciousness, and look up to see Yazoo and Loz grinning like idiots.

Yazoo spoke first. "Are we having fu--?"

"THE TIME OF MY LIFE!" Reno yelled, interrupting Yazoo, thinking it was his time to say his line. He attempted to kick the silver-haired mama's boy in the face, but failed.

Two separate fights ensued, Reno VS. Yazoo, and Rude VS. Loz!

With some appropriate theme music, of course. ('Don't Stop Me Now' by _Queen_!)

Somewhere in the battle, Rude gets hit in the head with a LOVELESS billboard. "Oh... the irony..." Rude murmured, then WHAM! He fell onto the pavement once more as his partner fell on top of him. Comical, I say. COMICAL!

"You two really are the Two Stooges." smirked Yazoo.

"And you suck, too!" Loz cackled weakly, ever so terrible at the insults. The Two St-- Turks stood up, dusting themselves off with the little dignity they still possessed in this parody.

"Now, that's just _rude_." countered Rude. He then high-fived Reno.

Reno laughed. "Great pun, buddy! LOL!!!"

Loz and Yazoo just gaped. "Okaaaaay..."

**#**

After finally remembering that he wasn't Cloud, and still had a strong mental stability, Denzel 'woke' from his weird trance. He then saw 'responsible adult' Tifa, somehow knocked out. It would be considered a plothole, for this parody doesn't fully explain how she was knocked out, but a certain greater force _within the Lifestream _was NOT complaining. So, Denzel decides to go into a rage, a highly unpredictable emotion that won't come into play until _Advent Children Complete_.

"ROAR!" Denzel shouted, running towards Bahamut SIN, with no plan whatsoever. But that wasn't needed because--

"I PITY DA FOOL WHO DIDN'T THINK OF USING A FIREARM!" shouted Barret Wallace, stopping the angry orphan with his gun-arm. It then transformed into a macho bomb-blaster of DOOM!

Just then, our lovable red panther-lion friend Nanaki and (not-so-lovable) Cait Sith appeared at the scene. Apparantly, Reeve had been too lazy to re-enlist the giant marshmellow moogle thingie for Cait Sith to ride on, so he had been content to use Nanaki's back. Yeah, _he'll_ be _real _helpful in this boss fight!

Nanaki leapt at the monster, and latch on, rising into the air. Barret decided this was the best time for random open-fire.

"HELP!" shrieked the annoying fairy cat. "I'm only an annoying mascot! I can't do this by myself!"

Bahamut SIN managed to shake off the non-human party members, and went back down to the ground. Barret shot a huge green explosion at the boss. Annoyed by this, Bahamut SIN charged at him. Unfortunately, Barret's weapon was being realistic, and had to charge up.

But that's okay, because we had a great powerhouse of a party member coming to help us out! DUN DUN DUN-DUUUUUUN!

"I am Yuffie Kisaragi, the number one ninja in the land! BELIEVE IT!"

Tifa, now mysteriously concious, replies, "Yuffie, have you been watching _Naruto_ fillers again?"

"Nope! I'm just the best ninja of the Star Village, and I'm gonna be the greatest Hoshikage, EVAH! DATTEBAYO!!!"

"...."

Yuffie then runs off in the direction of Bahamut SIN, waving that silly over-sized ninja tool in her hand.

_Le GASP!_ Four of those Shadow Hounds surround Tifa and Denzel! What are we to do?!

Tifa?

No, no! Trying to cover a little kid isn't going to help! Geez, when are you going to try and be useful?! Oh right, _Advent Children Complete_.

But that doesn't matter, being our chain-smoking, foul-mouthed pilot is here to save the day!

"Finally (BEEPING!) time I (BEEPING!) showed (BEEPING!) up in this (BEEPING!) parody! (BEEEEEEEP!)" cursed Cid Highwind, whacking the hounds out of the air. "(BEEP!) I (BEEPING!) need some (BEEPING!) earl gray! (BEEPING!) (BEEP!) (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!)"

Tifa was confundingly shocked by this bad language. "Cid, can't you be more subtle?!" she cried. "There's an child behind you!" She jerked her head in Denzel's direction.

"Who (BEEPING!) gives a (BEEPING!) flying flapjack?! He (BEEPING!) called (BEEPING!) Bahamut (BEEPING!) SIN an SOB!"

"Denzel, is this true?!" whispered Tifa, trying to act like a disappointed parent.

Denzel looked down at his feet. "The wizard made me do it."

Cid laughed. "(BEEP!) (BEEPING!) YEAH! Aight, I'm gonna (BEEPING!) pwn this boss!" he shouted, running towards Bahamut SIN.

"Oh, how you act like a tulip, but prick my sinful skin like a rose's thorn," murmured our favorite gothic vampire-wannabe. Vincent Valentine arrives once more, with sorrowful poetry and red Batman cape.

"Who was that?" Denzel asked.

"They're our.... friends." replied Tifa, feeling pretty unsure with herself. How were they associated with these weirdos?

"I'm back." said a voice that we all know and love. Cloud Strife!!!

"Cloud..." Tifa said softly, trying to romance-up the atmosphere while being a hypocrite at the same time. Wasn't she just scolding Cid for using 18+ themes in a PG-13 film? Hmmm...

Denzel then decides to go home. "Can I borrow your _Chuck_ DVDs?" he asked our blonde hero. Cloud, who was a pretty cool guy who watches the awesome caper comedy, nodded.

After Denzel runs through the dangerous streets without an adult escort, Tifa eyed Cloud's motorcycle. Hmm, there was room for two people.

"Cloud?" Tifa asked shyly. "Can I ride with you?"

Cloud gave her such a disgusted look it'd put Kayako's victim's to shame.

"Hell no." he answered, and drove off. Tifa chased him in full pursuit.

"CCCLLLLOOOOUUUDDDD!!! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

**#**

Rufus watched Bahumut SIN for awhile. Finally, he said, "Where were we for almost a month?"

Kadaj shrugged. "Apparantly HK was on Christmas holidays, then had something called 'school exams'." The silver-haired man smirked at such an idea. "EXAMS! HA! ....... Er, what are those?"

Rufus inclined his head in deep thought. After a minute or so, he replied, "We go to school? This is Final Fantasy! Why, we recruit mentally-unstable teenagers for armies, then turn them into vicious, dark killers! .......At least, that's what we aim to do. Then, they often plot against the current government of said fantasy, which leads to even deeper and more consequene-filled actions."

"And parents complain that video games cause violence in teens!" nodded Kadaj in sarcastic agreement.

"Ridiculous, I say!"

"Indeed!"

The two then watched the giant Power Rangers monster reject. After a while, Rufus remembered his purpose in this parody, and stood up suddenly.

Kadaj smirked. "Worried that I was gonna push you over?" he sneered.

Rufus grinned. "Of course not. I'm just here to do my climatic scene." Rufus then whipped off his blankie, and tossed it over the edge in a mysterious and cunning fashion. Kadaj gaped in surprise.

"Who ARE you?!" Kadaj yelled.

Rufus grinned. "I'm President Rufus Shinra of Shin-Ra Electric Power Company! Grovel at my merciless feet!"

Kadaj just stared. "That's it? That's all you're gonna say? Seriously?"

Rufus shook his head. "Nope. Look what's in my hands!"

And in his hands was-- a black box!

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

_Quick 24-parody montage..._

_Random reporter: "Reports have come in about a new threat. Experts say that they have a bomb planted somewhere within the city."_

_Rufus: "We don't know who these men are."_

_Cloud: "And that's why you need me?"_

_Rufus: "Correct."_

_Cloud: "Hmph. Search elsewhere. I ain't your man to call on. Anymore."_

_DUN DUN DUUUUUN!_

_Tifa: "What's wrong, Cloud?! People are gonna die from that bomb if you don't help!"_

_Cloud: "They don't need me. I've retired from that long ago."_

_Tifa: "But Cloud--!"_

_Cloud: "They never needed me. You're just like them, Tifa."_

_Tifa: "CLOUD!!!"_

_DUN DUN DUUUUUN!_

_Vincent: "So, you don't believe in those leads?"_

_Cloud: "No. They're all false."_

_Reno: "Seems you're still a SOLDIER at heart, Cloud."_

_Cloud: "Shut up."_

_Um, dun dun duuuun? Heh heh._

_Reporter: "President Shinra has been kidnapped! His kidnappers left a note-- 'Hand over eight million gil, or the President, along with Edge, will be blown up."_

_Tifa: "They seem serious!"_

_Reno: "In for one more job, Cloud?"_

_Cloud: "...I guess."_

_(Four-way splitscreen is shown-- Cloud riding his motorbike in the top left-hand corner, Reno and Rude fighting Yazoo and Loz in top right-hand, Tifa being useless in bottom right, and Angeal doing a drunken-macrena dance in the bottom left. In the center is the timer, with the classic _24 _digital ticking as the background music.)_

"No, it's NOT a friggin' bomb!" barked Rufus. "And why the _24_ reference? HK doesn't even watch that show! Seriously, would I carry one of those around under my blankie?"

Kadaj dropped his hands away from his face. "Er, I guess not."

Rufus held up the black box, then tossed it over the side. "Too late, Inspector Gadget! It was Jenova's head!"

"WHAT?!" Kadaj screamed, firing a blast of fire at the President. Rufus, however, decided to be a dramatic fangirl tease, and jumped over the edge. Kadaj decided to follow suit, but goes head-first instead. Rufus then pulled out his own firearm, and began some cheap shots at Jenova's head....

TO BE COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONTINUED!!!!!!


	15. Chapter 11: Defying Gravity With Cloud

**CHAPTER 11- DEFYING GRAVITY WITH CLOUD**

-Somewhere within the Lifestream-

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Happy Valentine's Day!" _-holds out tray of chocolate chip cookies-_

**Zack, Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: **"Hooray!"

**Angeal: **"...."

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Still miffed about the macarena?"

**Angeal: **"...."

**Aerith:** "And me making a _24_ montage out of it?"

**Angeal: **"I don't know how the hell you did it, but you did. So please leave me alone. I would like to watch my _Charmed _DVDs alone, thank you."

**Biggs:** "Who are you, Squall? This is Valentine's Day! When hot chicks give us local dead losers chocolatey treats!"

**Angeal:** "No, _really_. I'm in the fourth season, and I'd like to catch up."

**Jessie:** "Don't be silly! Come on, Aerith's baked us stuff!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Have a cookie, Angy!"

**Angeal: **"Didn't I tell you before?! Milk chocolate makes my mouth sore! Plus, I hate cookies."

**Everyone Else: **"_LE GASP_!"

**Zack: **"A-Are you serious, Angeal?"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Is it because of that one time you were twelve, and Genesis attempted to cook and burnt all of the cookies?"

**Angeal:** "No, Genesis is a bad cook in gener-- Wait a second! How did you know about THAT?!"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Have a cookie!"

**Angeal:** "I bluntly refuse. I still remember the mineral water, not to mention the watermelon disaster on Zack's birthday..."

**Zack:** "I'd like to forget that. _-shudder-_"

**Jessie: **"What happened?"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! Well, last year, Angeal found this watermelon near Kalm's Lifestream current, and--"

**Angeal: **"That's enough out of you! And aren't you guys watching that wear-tear-and-rusting blonde grunt fight today?"

**Aerith:** "Yes, but..."

**Angeal: **"?"

**Aerith:** "It's just... _-sniff-_ ...well... _-has sad, watery chibi eyes-_ ...I just_... -sniff- _wanted to share my culinary skills with you, and... _-sniff, hic, sniff- _I feel you don't want to be my friend anymore_... -sniff-" _

**Angeal: **"Err..."

**Aerith: **"I know that I... _-sniff, hic, hic- _play a lot of pranks lately... b-but..."

**Angeal: **"Fine! I'll have one of those damn cookies!"

**Aerith: **"_-snaps back to being cheerful- _Yipee! Thank you Angy!"

**Angy:** _"-sigh- _Here goes." _-bites into cookie. Look of confusion passes over face, then Angeal falls face-first into the Lifestream floor(?)-_

**Zack: **"Umm, Aerith?"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee? Yes, Zacky dear?"

**Zack:** "W-What's wrong with Angeal?"

**Jessie: **"H-His face is turning Pepto Bismol color!"

**Hollander:** "I'm wearing PINK flip-flops!"

**Zack: **"Shove it, hippie! Aerith, what was in that cookie?!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Nothing harmful, Zacky! It's _Dr. A's Valentine Treat Surprise_! He got the knock-out prototype! He'll wake up by the next episode! _-holds out cookies- _Well? Anyone else wanna try one? Unless_... -sniff-... _you don't trust me..._ -flashes them puppy-dog eyes_-"

**Zack, Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: **"Er....."

-Midgar Memorial Town Square, Edge-

Cid swore, angry that he didn't have enough time to light a smoke and battle a giant beast at the same time.

"THAT (BEEPING!) DAMN (BEEPING!) LADY (BEEPING!) LUCK JUST (BEEPING!) WON'T (BEEPING!) GIVE (BEEPING!) ME A (BEEPING!) BREAK!!!!"

Meanwhile, Vincent was trying another tactic.

"I'll lull it to sleep with some the blissful sound of soothing literature." he said. Holding his Cerberus gun in one hand, our local goth fished out a little black notebook from within his infinately deep pockets, and snapped it open.

This could end very badly.

"You, my wretched dear, I ask you this: Are you a blessed curse, or a cursed bless? To me, I view thee as the poison concealed within the bottle, fuddled by fumes of intricate delight; beckoning me with your lovely mottled hand...."

Bahamut SIN roared, and destroyed another vital infrastructure of Edge.

Yuffie threw her shuriken at it in desperation. "Vincent, you're making it angry!" she cried out.

"It (BEEPING!) doesn't (BEEPING!) have the (BEEPING!) same (BEEPING!) bloody (BEEPING!) taste as you!" shouted an annoyed, half-drunk pilot.

"Would ladies find my poetic mindscape to be attractive?" Vincent asked hopefully.

"NO!" screamed Cid and Yuffie in unison.

Vincent sighed. "Dream killers." he mumbled sadly.

"Yo foos, look ovah there!" Barret hollered. "It's the stereotypical anti-social hero!"

"HOORAY!" everyone cheered except Cid, who swore "ABOUT (BEEPING!) TIME!!!", and Vincent, who stared off into the distance, collecting new ideas for his next poem.

Cloud did a one-eighty with Fenrir, parking it neatly. Tifa came running up to him, huffing and puffing. The male cast, dead and alive, stared at her..... shoes.

Tifa cracked her knuckles. "GRRRR! Who's controlling the camera angles?!" she shouted. Up in the Lifestream, a certain ribbon-donned brunette giggled.

But Cloud didn't have time for this. In his head, he secretly feared that Denzel would find his _Buffy the Vampire Slayer _fan comics he was currently working on. They contained a lot of emoish dialogue and BBQ sauce. Hmm.

"Let's hurry this up." Cloud muttered, pulling out First Tsurugi. Tifa was still panting behind him.

"Wait.... for.... ME!"

Great.

After some uber minutes of engaging the Poke-Ranger, Bahamut SIN decided to try for an ultimate Mega Flare attack! It soared high into the sky, where no one could possibly reach.... if gravity wasn't taking a day off today.

-Somewhere within the fabrication of time and space-

**Voice of Reason: **"Umm, there's been a lot of impossible human stunts being pulled by the Final Fantasy VII cast today. Shouldn't you get back to work?"

**Gravity:** "I'LL TAKE A BLOODY DAY OFF IF I WANT TO!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, MY CONSCIENCE?!?!?!?!?!"

**Voice of Reason:** "Have you been drinking again, sir?"

**Gravity:** "I'M AS SOBER AS REEVE BEING USEFUL!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!"

**Voice of Reason: **"...."

-Back in Edge-

Apparantly, Cloud and the gang have never heard of the science of natural laws and physics, for one by one, they jumped into the air. Cloud clutched First Tsurugi firmly in his fist, and jumped after them. Well, we can only _assume_ that the other party members went ahead of our spikey blonde friend, for they were already in position to toss Cloud to his potential death at the hands of Bahamut SIN.

"Yo, foo, don't mess this up!" Barret shouted at Cloud, throwing our hero higher into the air.

"(BEEEP!)" Cid cursed as Cloud performed a spring-jumpo on the pilot's spear.

"Here yee go, laddie!" squeaked Cait Sith, as him and Nanaki gave the blonde a boost.

"Here's a leg up! BELIEVE IT!" said Yuffie. Higher and higher Cloud went.

"Hark! Our sorrow-filled hero flies!" recited Vincent, tossing Cloud up, up, and up!

And for the penultimate effect, came Tifa Lockhart. She clutched Cloud's hand, and stared into his eyes.

"Er, Tifa?"

"Yes, Cloud?"

"Please let go of my hand. Remember, the dragon?"

Tifa's shoulders slumped slightly. "Oh, okay...."

Then, ZOOM! Cloud rammed head-on into Bahamut SIN's Rasengan-like blast. The only difference, he didn't need a clone to help.

Suddenly, a white light appeared before Cloud's eyes. He squinted, then stared in awe. Aerith Gainsborough smiled back at him. She held out her hand to give him one final mega-leap.

_Cloud, you have to let go now._

_Oh, okay..._

_Tee hee hee!_

And, as Cid would say, he (BEEPING!) Climhazzard the (BEEPING!) (BEEP!) to (BEEPING!) bits!

tO bE continueD...


	16. Chapter 12: Blowing Stuff Up With Rude

**CHAPTER 12- BLOWING STUFF UP WITH RUDE**

Previously on Advent Children Abridged... montage style.

_Rufus: "I'm President Rufus Shinra of Shin-Ra Electric Power Company! Grovel at my merciless feet!"_

_Kadaj: "That's it? That's all you're gonna say? Seriously?"_

_Rufus: "Nope. Look what's in my hands!"_

_Kadaj: "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!" _

_Aerith: "Tee hee hee! Happy Valentine's Day!"_

_Angeal:__ "...."_

_Cid: "THAT (BEEPING!) DAMN (BEEPING!) LADY (BEEPING!) LUCK JUST (BEEPING!) WON'T (BEEPING!) GIVE (BEEPING!) ME A (BEEPING!) BREAK!!!!"_

_Vincent: "You, my wretched dear, I ask you this: Are you a blessed curse, or a cursed bless? To me, I view thee as the poison concealed within the bottle, fuddled by fumes of intricate delight; beckoning me with your lovely mottled hand...."_

_Bahamut SIN: "ROAR!!!"_

_Yuffie: "Vincent, you're making it angry!"_

_Barret: "Yo foos, look ovah there! It's the stereotypical anti-social hero!"_

_Cid: "ABOUT (BEEPING!) TIME!!!"_

_Tifa: "Wait.... for.... ME!"_

_Voice of Reason: "Have you been drinking again, sir?"_

_Gravity: "I'M AS SOBER AS REEVE BEING USEFUL!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!"_

_Aerith: Cloud, you have to let go now._

_Cloud: Oh, okay..._

_Aerith: Tee hee hee!_

WHOOSH!

Hurrah, our hero has swiftly defeated the mighty beast! Cloud did a couple of back flips in the air as he landed gently onto his feet on a metal construction bar. Well, that was a big fight. Looks like we have time to breed some chocobos, visit the Gold Saucer, look for treasure at Bone Village--

Ah, CRAP!

Cloud turned his head to see a freakin' huge blue light explode in the exact location of where Rufus and Kadaj were previously making conversation. We shall zoom in now, shall we?

"MOTHER!" Kadaj screamed, his oedipus complex more obvious than ever. Rufus, making use of his revealed face's screentime, had decided to do a couple of shots at the black box, aka, "Jenova's head".

Reno and Rude, being mysteriously on the scene, shouted, "SIR NO!", even though it was a complete waste of breath, because the slightly cooler Turks had arrived to save Rufus instead.

Tseng and Elena shot the nets, which crisscrossed in midair to break their boss's fall. Kadaj had grabbed Jenova's head in midair, and landed on his feet. A green, oil-like substance was protruding from a small, but deep gash somewhere on the shiny, metallic surface of the box. Boy, what a mouthful.

Just then, our hero Cloud came racing towards the scene on Fenrir. "Greased Lightning" plays in the background for the lulz.

"Uh-oh! Possible confrontation!" Kadaj cursed, and hopped onto his own motorbike. Yazoo and crybaby Loz followed suit.

ZOOOOOOOM!

And now comes one of the trickier battle sequences to follow with the naked eye. And because it's so tricky, we'll have no choice but to skip most of it.

-Somewhere within the Lifestream-

**Biggs:** "Hey! She can't do that!"

**Angeal: **"Do what?"

**Jessie: **"You know, skip a huge fight like that!"

**Angeal: **"Sure she can. HK's the one writing this abridged series, not you. Plus, how can she properly parody it when if she can't memorize the whole fight herself?"

**Biggs:** "Does that mean that HK frequently watches Advent Children?"

**Angeal: **"Unfortunately, yes. She can watch a scene and practically say the lines for the characters! With the same tone!"

**Jessie and Biggs: **"WHOA!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! This next scene's one of her favorites!"

-On the highway to Midgar-

Using their helicopter, the two friends Reno and Rude now waited at the end of the highway, holding some homemade bombs. Rude had run out of regular masking tape, and had to use duct tape instead.

Reno held up his bomb. "You know, I always used to call duct tape 'duck' tape. I don't know why either, since there are no ducks in Gaia."

Rude nodded. "Yes, it seems Gaia is exempted from all of the regular types of animals, like dogs, cats, and deer. I always wondered if it's actually chocobo meat in the steaks served at Johnny's bar...."

Reno smirked. "That's quite a mouthful of words, pal. What's gotten into you?"

"It's our penultimate scene. I want to make an impression."

The red-headed Turk gaped in bewilderment. "W-W-What?! Penultimate scene?! Then what about that final scene?!"

"We're watching the President being cured of his fatal disease."

"Wait, there's a cure now?!"

"Apparantly so."

Just then, Cloud Strife zoomed by. It was the Turks's cue.

They placed their bombs down, and the timer set off immediately. Reno grinned.

"Reno, shouldn't we start up the chopper?"

"Huh? Why?"

"Well, this bridge is going to blow, and even the impact will make Cloud swerve, even though he'll be far from it. If we don't get a move on--"

"Ah, but we're the Turks!"

Rude smiled. "Ah, but of course. We can do anything."

"LIARS!" shouted a certain blond hero and his deceased spikey-haired friend, shaking his fist within the Lifestream.

Reno sighed. "I wish they'd forget about that now..."

Yazoo and Loz were getting closer. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0.

KALA-BALA-BOOM! LE KAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Up far ahead, Kadaj snarled to see his arch-enemy fly down upon him, cheesy fireworks effects full-blown. A series of motorbike-involved scuffles occurred before the two slammed right down into the ruisn of the city of Midgar.

-Sector 5 Church, Midgar-

Kadaj rode his motorbike _right into the flowerbed._ "I'll save you MOTHER!" he proclaimed, screaming like a crazed headbanger. But an important flower girl and her number two fan --being the author of this parody, no less-- shook their fist at the Remnant for disgracing the only living photosynthesis plants to grace this godforsaken heap of GARBAGE called Midgar. For shame, Kadaj! FOR SHAME!

Kadaj looked around nervously. "Don't worry, Mother," he whispered to the black box in his hands, "The talking walls won't hurt you. Heh heheheheheheh..."

CRASH! Cloud Strife busted through the front doors, like he was about to steal the bride at an arranged wedding. Fangirls swooned and fanboys whooped with excited triumph. Our hero has arrived!

Kadaj scowled, and tried to make a break for it, while hindering the path of Cloud at the same time. Cloud screeched underneath the collapsing church pillar. Kadaj shot some magic out of his palm, blasting it at our hero. We all gasp, even the weirdos who've watched the film approximately thirty times. Yes, it's possible to view Advent Children thirty times without getting bored of it. Especially since _Advent Children Complete_ on the way. Ah, fanservice...

Kadaj whips his head around nervously to and fro. "The walls are narrating again!!!"

Heh. KADAJ!

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" the Remnant screams, then watches to see what happened to Cloud. Just then, a strange miracle occurred. Water sprouted up from the ground, purifying everything that it made contact with. Cloud was instantly calmed, but Kadaj...

"NOOOO!! It's trying to EAT me!" he yelled crazily, trying to swat away the water. But, it was no ordinary water, it was GREAT GOSPEL!!!

"A religious term being used in Japanese entertainment! NOOOOOO!"

Hey, it's been around since '97, kid.

"Big Brother, your dead girlfriend's church is HAUNTED!" Kadaj screams once again, then continues his escape up the makeshift ramp. Cloud has been temporarily ignoring the silver-haired sissy, and was watching the water rain down. In a building. T T

Cloud looks down at his arm. Le Gasp! His Geostigma is magically cured! With no logical explaination offered to the audience! Le GASP!x2

_Tee hee hee!_

Cloud looks around.

"Aerith?" he whispers, even though he's the only one in the church.

_Cloud, you have to wrap up this parody. Tee hee hee! Do it for me?_

Cloud shrugs. "Eh, why not?" he says out loud.

Toooooo Beeeeeee Continuuuuuuuuuuuuuued...

Next time on AC: Abridged!

Will Cloud defeat Kadaj? Can Vincent ever improve his poetry of mental self-destruction? Will Aerith ever stop pranking Angeal with her cooking? And what about the inevitable tango of death with Sephiroth? Tune in next time!


	17. Final Chapter: Le GASP! It's Sephiroth!

**FINAL CHAPTER- LE GASP! IT'S SEPHIROTH!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not known Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters and spin-offs. I do not own Chuck Norris either; he owns YOU. **

Previously on AC: Abridged... montage style!

_Kadaj: "MOTHER!"_

_Reno and Rude: "SIR NO!"_

_Kadaj: "Uh-oh! Possible confrontation!"_

_Biggs: "Does that mean that HK frequently watches Advent Children?"_

_Angeal:__ "Unfortunately, yes. She can watch a scene and practically say the lines for the characters! With the same tone!"_

_Rude: "It's our penultimate scene. I want to make an impression."_

_Reno: "Ah, but we're the Turks!"_

_Cloud and Zack: "LIARS!" _

_Kadaj: "I'll save you MOTHER!"_

_Kadaj: "The walls are narrating again!!!"_

_Kadaj: "NOOOO!! It's trying to EAT me!"_

_Aerith: "Tee hee hee!"_

_Cloud: "Eh, why not?"_

Now, the story continues. What will happen next? Will Cloud find a happy ending? Will Cid ever attend those _(BEEPING!)holics Anomynous_ classes? And will Kadaj ever get over his new phobia of narrating bodiless voices?

**Kadaj: **"THE WALLS ARE SPEAKING AGAIN!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Sigh. Apparently not. Let's continue anyway.

**#**

Cloud drove Fenrir to the center of the Midgar ruins. He grabbed all of his swords, in case he would have to perform some sort of mega-death attack that would be the true end of a supposedly dead arch-nemesis. CoughOmnislashcoughVersion5cough.

Somehow, Kadaj was standing on top of a hill-like cliff, holding his _preeeeeeeecious_ black box. Heh heh, preeeeeeecious...

The corner of the Remnant's eye twitched. "The water tried to swallow us whole, Mother. Heh heheheh..."

Cloud glared at him. "Dealing with aquaphobia, Kadaj?"

"NO!!!" protested Kadaj angrily.

"Water giving you.... the shivers?"

"Absolutely NOT!"

"Two parts hydrogen! One part OXYGEN!" taunted Cloud.

A blast of blue energy erupted from Kadaj's hand, aimed straight at our blonde hero. "I HATE YOU, BIG BROTHER! ROOOOOOOOARRRRR!!!"

And thus, a crazy, whacked-out fight scene occurred. The _Shera_ just craps out of nowhere, and the passengers onboard watch Cloud sparring with Kadaj, having absolutely no motivation to help.

Cid was, of course, driving. He swore because he couldn't find a big enough parking space. "Who the (BEEP!) designed this (BEEPING!) city?!?!" he shouted at no one in particular. He then began to randomly throw tea cups at Cait Sith because, well, he was Cait Sith.

"Laddie, stop throwing yee cups at me bloody head!"

"SHUT THE (BEEP!) UP, YA (BEEPING!) STUPID (BEEPING!) LOUSY WASTE OF (BEEPING!) ROBOT (BEEPING!) (BEEP!)!!! FU--"

Everyone gasped, even Cid. Yuffie pointed at the big red Censory Button in her hand. "The button's jammed!" she squeaked. "Cid's sworn so much, the Censory's on its last legs!"

"That's bulls--" Cid stopped himself just in time. "I mean, sh-- I m-mean-- TEA BREAK!" He then promptly left the giant steering wheel, and slammed the door behind him. The _Shera_ then does a one eighty to its side, then jostles violently back and forth. The party members are yelling frantically.

"CID!"

"HELP! We're gonna CRASH!"

Just then, failed poetry writer Vincent Valentine appeared behind the wheel. Another collected "Le GASP!" followed. Vincent ignored them, and swiftly brought order to the _Shera_ by coaxing it gently to proper proportions in mid-air. The party members sighed in relief.

"Thank goodness it wasn't Red trying to steer!" joked Cait Sith. Everyone glared down at the Scottish plush toy. Cait Sith looked away in embaressment. Little screentime --and importance-- can do that to you.

Nanaki coughed purposely. "So guys," he asked. "What's the plan?"

Barret laughed. "(BEEP!), that's easy! We're, uh... HEY! When did the Censory button start working again?!"

Yuffie shrugged. "It's only programmed to censor Cid's language. Yours it automatic!"

"Ah, touche, foo!"

Cid Highwind then stormed in, teacup and kettle in hand. "What the f-- what the heck ya'll still doin' here?! Shouldn't you be helping the little fu-- the emo by now?! And why's Vincent steering my ship?!"

Vincent immediately let go of the wheel. "Well, you left so suddenly, so--"

"I fu-- I mean, I don't wanna hear your excuses!" Cid barked, then pulled a lighter out of his pocket. The teacup and kettle were thrown down when Cid's other hand reached for a pack of cigarettes that weren't in his pocket, funnily enough.

"HEY! Where the f-- where are my f-- WHERE ARE MY CIGS?!?! GRR!! I need to SWEAR dam-- DARN IT!"

"He's going into swearing withdrawal," Tifa whispered to Yuffie, who nodded cautiously.

Barret then pointed out the fight happening below the Shera. "Yo foos, are we gonna be useful or not?! I can't stand to let my fans down by not fightin'!"

Cait Sith snickered. "Yee have fans? Yuk yuk yuk!"

Barret cracked his knuckles. "More than you do! And what's with the sudden yukking, foo?"

"Vincent, say your line already!" Tifa cried out. Vincent then coughed into his fist. More poetry, you ask? Well...

"Kadaj is a bug."

Silence. A tumbleweed passed through the scene.

Yuffie jumped up and down on the balls of her feet. "Dwah? Watcha talking about, Vince? GAWD!!!"

Vincent sighed. "Kadaj is like a larva. And when he 'hatches', so to speak, he'll become Sep--"

"I don't understand the words comin' out of yer mouth, Vince!" Cid shouted.

"Speak English, laddie!" chimed in Cait Sith.

Vincent sighed. "Like a caterpillar forming into a coccoon, awaiting his advent, his rebirth, so will the graying Remnant of our sworn enemy. Then, once prepared, he'll break free, evolving into the almighty butterfly, taking with him a new shape and form. Oh, how his time will limit, for even conceited beauty of the butterfly must too wither away into descent..."

Everyone else then nodded in understanding. "Oh, we get it NOW!" they said in unison.

"Still terrible poetry..." muttered Cid, now chewing on some earl grey leaves. Vincent shrugged in defeat. You can't please everybody, Valentine.

**#**

"NOOOOO!!! Inevitable defeat!" cried Kadaj, now holding onto the edge of the old Shin-Ra building with one hand. Cloud was standing in front of him, First Tsurugi in HIS hand. Well, it's only a matter of time before Kadaj meets his grisly end. He can't hold on forev-- HEY! THAT WAS RUDE MAN!

Kadaj had thrown Jenova's head into our hero's face, thus distracting Cloud. Kadaj then leapt into the air, and cupped the green oil --I mean, the Jenova cells-- in his hands. He then gave an evil crooked grin in Cloud's direction, and thrusted the cells into his leather-chafed chest. Cloud did a leap of faith down into the chasm, where he must face-- and overcome-- his final obstacle.

BOOM.

Kadaj was gone, and in his place was a silver-haired menace with a six-foot-long Masamune. That same weapon had blocked Cloud's own sword. Cloud's eyes widened as he stared into the face of...

"Ohmygawd, you're GOTH!" Cloud shouted into Sephiroth's face. Sephiroth swung the mighty blade of his Masamune, causing Cloud to fly into the air. Our enemy then did a gravity-defying leap into the air, and landed neatly on his feet on the upper portion of the Shin-Ra building. Cloud, too, landed a bit lower than him.

"Sephiroth, I thought you were dead!" Cloud exclaimed. "I even mentally Omnislashed you!"

Sephiroth smirked. "Hmph. Come now, Cloud. Silver-haired villains don't simply disappear because of an Omnislash!"

"Whoa, deja-vu..." muttered Cloud. Then, he quickly asked, "So then WHY are you back, Sephiroth?!"

His arch-nemesis gave off an evil grin. "Well since I WILL defeat you THIS time, I guess I can tell you. It all started two years ago, when Meteor crashed into this deceitful, corrupted Planet. Yes, I was so close... TO DESTROYING THE WORLD! Well anyway, when the Lifestream flowed out of the Planet, it stopped Meteor from completing its task. But, it gave me a new way to help Mother... TO DESTROY THE WORLD!"

"You're losing your composure, Sephiroth!" Cloud reminded him. Wait, why was he reminding him of this? -

Sephiroth held his hand out, high above his head. Dark, nimbus clouds of PURE EVIL circled Midgar, an appropriate setting and mood for the final battle. "I would never lose my composure, Cloud," he continued. "I'm just impaitent with you. Or are _you_ just impaitent for your death? It seems that that conneiving flower girl has stopped your Geostigma from killing you completely. Ah, well. Looks like I'll have to do it myself. Maybe this time, you'll actually die!"

Cloud stared at Sephiroth. Sarcastically. Well, close to sarcasm. "So, what about the Geostigma? Did you create it?!"

Sephiroth chuckled darkly. "I have no time to explain this to a fallen corpse."

And then, SWOOSH! The battle began!!! The clashing of metal, the exchange of threats and sarcasm, the fanboys cheering with their adreneline a-pumping! Good Goddess! Cloud is slowing down! He's... NO!!! It can't be!! Even heroes have gradually depleting stamina?! What will happen to our hero Cloud?! Will he defeat Sephiroth?! Tune in next time!!!

And so...

To Be Continued....

IMMEDIATELY.

-Somewhere within the Lifestream-

**Aerith and Zack:** "SEPHIROTH!"

**Angeal: **"What, he's still alive?!"

**Aerith: **"Well, his will IS the strongest of Gaia. He refused to blend in with the Lifestream! And now he's harassing my boy toy---!"

**Angeal: **"Er, what?"

**Aerith: **"Oh, my poor Cloud! -sob-"

**HK:** "Don't give up, Aerith!"

**Aerith:** "HK? How did you get--"

**HK: **"My dear, you WILL save Cloud! Why? Because I said so! And while I'M writing this parody, MY will is the strongest! So if I say you'll save Cloud, then gosh-darnit you WILL!"

**Aerith:** "-Sniff-"

**HK: **"This ship runs on smiles! And since I'm unable to enforce that type of physical emotion at will, you'll have to do it for all of us!"

**Angeal: **"Wait, you can't smile?"

**HK:** "Not unless you want me to look like a smirking vampire, then no. I'm like Squall. Without the leather, naturally."

**Zack: **"So, what do we do, HK?!"

**HK: **"We-- OH SNAP!"

**Zack: **"What?! HK! Where are you going?!"

**HK: **"Alas, it seems that Sephiroth IS the stronger one here! He's purposely trying to rid me from the Lifestream! He's knows that I'm able to stop his evil plan... TO DESTROY THE WORLD!"

**Zack: **"Hang in there, HK!"

**HK:** "Don't worry, friends! Once Cloud overcomes his fear of losing everything precious to him, he will defeat Sephiroth!"

**Angeal: **"How do you know he'll win?"

**HK: **"Heh! You're questioning the one person who has watched _Advent Children _thirty times?"

**Aerith: **"HK!"

**HK: **"I'll be--- back!---"

**Aerith:** "Oh no, HK!"

**Angeal:** "Well, HK knows Sephiroth's plan! And apparently, Cloud must overcome his fear. But how?"

**Aerith:** "Tee hee hee! I just figured it out!"

**Zack: **"That's our girl! You're smiling again!"

**Angeal:** "With that scheming grin! I never thought I'd be actually glad to see that! So, what did you figure out?"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Well, -whisper, whisper, whisper-"

**Zack: **"That's genius, Aerith!"

**Angeal:** "Quick, we must collect the necessary clips!"

-Shin-Ra Building, Midgar Ruins-

Cloud was slowing down. He couldn't keep up with Sephiroth's undying strength. Their swords scraped against eachother, no bad uke jokes about it. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up fangirls.

Just then, Sephiroth shoulder-thrusted --yes, he ACTUALLY pushed Cloud!-- our hero. Cloud stumbled, and after a few more sword clashes, slammed into the wall behind him. Then, SWOOSH!-- Sephiroth's blade dug into Cloud's shoulder. Cloud grimaced. Sephiroth gave off a deadly smirk.

"Sword goes in, sword comes out," he said coolly, pulling the Masamune out, then poking Cloud with it again. "Hmhmhm. Sword goes in, swords comes out. Oh, how I will enjoy _Advent Children Complete_."

Cloud grasped his arch-nemesis' blade weakly. You don't need high-def to realize how exhausted our hero is.

"Grovel at my bishonen-crushing feet, you inferior dullard," cackled Sephiroth evilly. All Cloud fanboys cracked their knuckles in anger. How dare he taunt Cloud again! Wait, again? Hmm....

-Somewhere Within the Lifestream-

**Biggs: **"We got all of the clips together, Aerith!"

**Aerith: **"Press 'PLAY'!"

**Zack: **"Alright! -click-"

-Shin-Ra Building, Midgar Ruins-

_Twenty-six seconds before Zack pressed 'PLAY'..._

"You cannot defeat me this time, puppet," smirked Sephiroth. "Now you'll endure my poorly-translated dialogue while I taunt you. Yes, it's fun being the villain. Hmhmhm!"

How will Cloud get out out this predicament?

Three... Two... One... MON-_TAAAAAAAAAAGE!_

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed. "HK? No, it can't be possible..."

But Cloud did not hear our villain's comment, for he was witnessing a collection of clips strung together by the residents of the Lifestream. All of his precious memories flashed before his eyes.

"I'M WEARING FLIP FLOPS!" shouted the cheap Hojo-ripoff randomly, somewhere in between.

-Somewhere withing the Lifestream-

**Angeal: **"Wait, how did that one get in there?"

-Back at the Shin-Ra building-

With fierce determination in his eyes, Cloud ripped the Masamune out of his bicep, and plunged it into the wall behind him. A god chorus chanted in continous momentum, deepening the adreneline and raising the roof at the same time. The Cloud fans grinned and high-fived each others, while the Sephiroth fangirls squealed in protest. I, however, laughed at them all, like this: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ahem, sorry.

Sephiroth merely "Hmph'd" at Cloud's newfound energy. How could he possibly defeat him n-- HOLY CRAP HE'S GLOWING!!!

"Whoa, I am!" exclaimed Cloud, as the blue chakra-like energy engulfed his frame. Hahahaha! Beat that, Sephiro-- What? What do you mean, _Complete_ only?! But, it's gonna be official soon anyw-- WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT, HMM?!?!?!?!?!

And, reluctantly enough, Cloud lost the Blue Energy of Mega Coolness.

"Hmhmhm," grinned Sephiroth.

Yeah, laugh it up, you silver-haired oedipus complex PUNK!

"I'll finish him, even with the absence of my new, High Definition powers!" announced Cloud.

Alas, it seems Cloud has a plan! The two opponents then clashed, this way and that, up and down and _WHOOSH!_'d through the air! Suddenly, Cloud unleashed all six of his First Tsurugi combo-pack swords! He took the first one, and--

"Number One: If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris have five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you!" Cloud shouted. SLASH!

Sephiroth gaped. "Impossible!"

That's right, Sephiroth! Cloud has used the Element of Surprise, while combining it with Earlier Foreshadowing! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

And so, the next five slashes went like this:

"There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer! Chuck Norris is always in control!"

SLASH!

"Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door!"

_SSSSSSSSSSSSLASH!_

"If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the FACE!"

MEGA SLASH!

"Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves!"

SUPER MEGA SLASH!

"And finally: Time waits for no man, unless that man is CHUCK NORRIS!"

_PWNSOME SLASH!!!!_

Cloud landed on top of the Shin-Ra building, with five of his swords surrounding him, stabbed into the ground at crooked angles. Cloud grabbed his final sword when it flew down neatly into his hand. He glared up at Sephiroth, who now mysteriously had one black wing on his left shoulder.

"Hmph. Using cheap internet jokes to defeat me..." scowled our finally defeated villain.

"Well, it worked!" muttered Cloud. "You'll never return!"

"Yes I will. In _Complete_. Hmhmhm!"

Sephiroth then disapeared in his generic black wing ensemble. And was replaced with whiny Kadaj.

"I will harm you!" cried Kadaj, swinging his double-bladed katana in Cloud's direction. Too weak from... being weak, Kadaj fell. But, unlike the official film, Cloud did not try to assist his fallen foe in any particular way.

It began to rain then. As, as it appears, Kadaj's aquaphobia simply evaporated as quickly as it had come. Weird.

-Somewhere Within the Lifestream-

**Biggs, Wedge, Jessie:** "HOORAY!"

**Angeal: **"Well then! The grunt actually pulled it off!"

**Zack: **"Of course! He's Cloud!"

**HK: **"Don't upset those Squall fanboys by saying that, Zack!"

**Zack: **"HK!"

**HK: **"Mwahaha, my plan had worked, and all of you had executed it perfectly. You all deserve a cupcake!"

**Biggs, Wedge, Jessie:** "HOORAY!"

**Aerith: **"Tee hee hee! Come to join the celebration, HK?"

**HK: **"Actually, I'm here to remind you to do your task first!"

**Aerith:** "What's tha-- oh, right! Tee hee hee! -leaves the scene-"

-Back in Midgar Ruins-

_Tee hee hee! Kadaj!_

When the voice of a certain gorgeous Cetra arrived, that song, 'Raindrops Are Falling On My Head,' started to play. Ah, music!

"NOT THE VOICES AGAIN!"

Hmm, what should we call Kadaj's phobia? Hmm...

_Tee hee hee! Kadaj, this time is different. I'm a woman!_

"What?" murmured Kadaj.

Hey! What am I then, chopped chocobo liver?!

_Tee hee hee!_

"Well, since you're the first female I've heard in this parody..." began Kadaj slowly, deaf to the cracking of my knuckles, "....then you must be Mother!"

_Tee hee hee! Sure, whatever you think!_

Then Kadaj bursted into green bubbles. I mean, the celestial spagetti strings of the Lifestream!

Cloud watched the pale green strands flow upwards into the air. He took in the 'Raindrops' song and the actual healing rain, and closed his eyes. Yes, he suddenly felt at peace then. Ah, what a perfect scene....

BANG!

KNOCK ON WOOD, KNOCK ON WOOD!!!

Cloud's body surged forward from the impact as the sprinting bullet that erupted from Yazoo's gun gouged through his chest. Our hero fell to his knees, struggling for breath. The two remaining Remnants were ten meters or so away from him.

"Didn't expect that, did you, Big Brother?" sneered the fading Yazoo. Loz was about say something too, but forgot his line.

"Heh heh. BAM!" he said instead.

Cloud staggered to his feet, still grasping First Tsurugi. He glared at them, and ran straight at them, sword slicing the ground. Yazoo and Loz held out their arms, and roared a random battle cry as they gathered up a final burst of energy. Cloud jumped, and rammed his sword near them. The impact of the Remnant's energy attack and Cloud's swing resulted in an explosion.

On the _Shera_, Tifa screamed to the high heavens. And those 'high heavens' included the area where the utterly shocked residents of the Lifestream were currently gathered...

-Somewhere Within the Lifestream-

**Zack:** "CLOUD!"

**Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: **"LE GASP!"

**Angeal: **"What's with lower-ranked villains and their cheap back-shots? That one has no honour!"

**Aerith:** "No! Cloud! Quick Zack, come with me!"

**Zack: **"Wait, you're letting me come?!"

**Aerith:** "Of course! Cloud needs us!"

**Zack: **"Right away!"

-Somewhere Between the Thin Line of Life and Death-

Cloud was floating around somewhere, preferably between the thin line of life and death. His eyes were closed, because he didn't want to look into the light. Or, he just felt tired. It was a long day, after all.

_A: Cloud! Wake up!_

_C: Aerith?_

_A: Tee hee hee! That's right, Cloud!_

_Z: And me!_

_C: Zack?_

_HK: And me!_

_C: Who's that?_

_HK: You know, me! HK! I've been narrating this parody all of this time!_

_C: ....?_

_HK: -sigh- Well, I'll leave it to you two. -grumbles as HK leaves SBtTLoLaD-_

_A: Tee hee hee! Cloud, this means you're still alive! _

_C: Like the Portal song?_

_A: Tee hee hee! Yep!_

_C: But, I was shot through the heart!_

_Z: But you're not to blame!_

_C: Huh?_

_Z: Nevermind, man. I kid with you!_

_A: Tee hee hee! Through the power of Plot Holes, I've saved you from death!_

_C: So, what do I do now?_

_A: Tee hee hee! You'll see!_

_C: Wait, Aerith!!!!_

-Aerith's Church, Sector Five Slums-

Cloud opened his eyes to find himself in the pool of water. He was surrounded by former Geostigma-diseased kids. There were also other people, like nosy Edge neighbours, talking Scottish plush toys, a red-cloaked vampire, a Naruto-wannabe, and many more! Oh, and Tifa, I guess...

Red decided to make use of his limited screen time. "Everybody's cured, except Denzel, because he was a lazy child who didn't bother to go outside when the healing rain came."

Denzel looked down at his feet in shame. "I hate baths."

Cloud then held out his hand. "Well, this one actually cleans you!"

"Cloud, you're not emo anymore! Did the water cure you of that too?"

"Um, sure, I guess..."

Denzel hopped into the water. Now performing what looked deeply religious ceremonial rite with the Christian community, Cloud cupped the water, and dropped it over Denzel's head. SHAM WOW! He was cured!

"HOORAY!" cheered everyone. Now acting like children for once, the kids jumped into the water. POOL PARTY!

Cloud smiled, embaressed, at all of these happy, happy children. He then looked up, and saw Aerith. He stared at her with a semi-blank look on his face. Just as she was approaching the door, Aerith turned around, and smiled at him.

"Tee hee hee!" she giggled, then walked out with Zack.

Cloud closed his eyes, then opened them again. Now, this was a perfect ending...

THE END.


End file.
